A Twist in the Plan

"All packed?" asked the Master.

"Yep," replied Raiah.

"How about you, Mr. Frumac?"

"I really don't need to pack much, sir," I stated.

"Oh, right. Off we go!" As we headed out the door, I realized we all felt overwhelmed. I had simply entered as a customer, and now I am exiting as a burden. It would be almost impossible to find what we needed. And that was... three super-rare herbs. Namely xeftun, heglerb, and kopoushké. By the names, I'm sure you could tell they were exotic. Ah, well. We'd find them eventually.

"It is unusually hot today. Lake effect's not doing a thing to Hemenster," said the Master, as we walked into Seer's Village.

"And it's only middle spring. This weather freaks me," said Raiah in return.

"Remind me again why we have to walk into Seer's Village?" I asked.

"Because we don't know where to find these herbs. Trust us, we know a guy. He's my Master's best bud. He should be able to help us. Besides, why are you griping? You can float!"

"Well... I hate being a burden. And that's exactly what I am. Because of me you have to walk in 34 centigrade weather!"

"That's so sweet of you," smart-alecked the Master, "but we're here. Pollosxtescue? You home?"

"How does he say that?" I whispered.

"It's an acquired tongue," Rai whispered back.

"Well, hello? Oh! Hi Va-" said Pollosxtescue, cut off from greeting the Master.

"Yes, hello. Pollo, we need your help finding three herbs," the Master suddenly interjected.

"Well, what three?"

"Xeftun, heglerb, and kopoushké."

"Well," Pollo gulped. "They're extremely ra-"

"We get that by now! We just need help finding them."

"Well, xeftun, the easiest to find, grows in the middle of poisonous ponds in the Lumbridge Swamp, but only for 6 days during the rainy season. Today is the last day until next year. Heglerb, the next, is a purifying plant, and naturally grows where there is much disease. The only known plant grows in... West Ardougne, and is guarded 24/7 by Mourners. The last one, kopoushké, you might notice sounds eerily similar to the onomatopoeia for an explosion: kaboosh. That's because it only grows in... piles of Green Dragon dung. Which, if I may mention, is explosive." Everyone remained silent for a second.

"That's just fantastic," Raiah then blurted out, "A ghost, two necromancers, and piles of fiery poo."

"Well, here we go!" said my Master, as he punched a teletab, teleporting us all to Lumbridge. As we arrived in the town, a thunderstorm had just set in. The entire town was was a mud pit. As we waded through the goop, a huge bolt of lightning struck the chapel.

"Good Guthix!" Dancus screamed, as we crossed the barrier to the swamp. My Master started hollering to us, otherwise we wouldn't hear him with the extremely loud thunder claps.

"This squall was unexpected! When I was here about 3 hours before, everything was peaches! I am starting to believe something's wack with our weather, Rai!"

"Well, we'd better go get that xef-whatever soon!" Dancus hollered in reply.

"No, we must get it. We must get it NAOUGHW!"

"Tell me! What does this plant look like?" asked Dancus.

"It looks like that, child!" replied the master, pointing to a plant in the middle of a noxious pond.

"Well how're we supposed to get that xeftun?" I yelled, "We have no runes left!"

"Umm, hello? Telek-"

"I told you that was a godly gift. Once in a lifetime, Dancus! No ghost could do that!"

"Well, even if my powers were decreased exponentially, that doesn't mean they don't exist anymore! All I need is a source of extreme pressure to amplify my powers!"

"Okay, um.... how about if you don't get this plant, you'll b a ghost FOREVER!" yelled the Master through a huge thunderclap. Dancus raised his hand. The entire plant was slowly being pulled from the waters.

"Come on, come on..." he mumbled to himself. The plant began to float over the middle of the pond. Slowly but surely, the sprig of xeftun made its way to shore. A huge bolt of lightning suddenly hit the pond, vaporizing and sublimating all of its contents.

"That was close!" I hollered. Dancus, still deep in concentration, had gotten the plant about 3/4 of the way to shore.

"Can't you hurry up! If we don't get out of here, we'll be fried to a crisp by lightning soon!" yelled the Master.

"Oh, thanks," Dancus back-sassed. The first bit of` the plant was hovering over the land. You could see the veins in Dancus' temples. He was about to lose all strength. Then, a small tornado hit the ground nearby. Dancus, shocked by the noise, immediately dropped the plant, which fell to the ground, safely. I picked it up and yelled.

"LET'S GO!!!" the tornado was speeding behind us as we ran to the castle. There, Misaki, the Magic Tutor, was handing out free teletabs.

"Where do you need to go, sirs and lady?"

"Seers' Vil-" The Master was cut off by Dancus.

"No! Ardougne! Don't you remember? The heglerb is in Ardougne!"

"Okay then, here you go!" said Misaki, handing us a teletab. The Master punched it. As we held hands and were surrounded by the purple light, we saw Misaki punch a tab of her own. "Burthorpe!" she yelled.

The sky cleared 2 minutes after Dancus, Raiah, and the Master left Lumbridge. Part of the castle wall was destroyed by the tornado, and cobblestones from the pathways lay in every way possible, skewed in the streets. The town was completely deserted. But, as soon as Harlan, the Acting Duke of Lumbridge, viewing a scrying portal from Burthorpe, saw that all was well, he alerted all refugees in Burthorpe that it was safe to return. Hundreds of purple flashes lit up across the city.

A sphere of purple surrounded Harlan, and he was teleported to Lumbridge.

We arrived in Ardougne Square. As we suddenly appeared in the city, I realized that Raiah and her Master were still wearing their Zamorakian clothes.

"Damn! Guys! You're wearing red robes!"

"So?" asked the Master.

"A-hem? This is post-war Ardougne, not the backwaters of Hemenster!!! Zamorakians don't have a very good rep, you know!"

"Crap, you're right! Where's the nearest tailor?"

"There's a silk seller to the north! Quickly!" We ran up to the silk stall in Town Square. The silkman was aghast.

"Now listen, friend. You didn't see us two in these clothes, got it?" said the Master, pushing 200,000 coins across the stall table.

His eyes aglow, the silkman agreed, "I didn't see you two in those clothes."

"Good. Now please make my apprentice and I some nice blue robes, with the 4 pointed star on it."

"On it," the silkman was finished with the new garbs in no time flat. He was a very skilled man. "That's 3,000 gp."

"Done." The Master and Raiah slipped on their new clothes and left the cash on the table. The Master, Raiah, and myself all ran towards the gate to West Ardougne.

"It's blocked," Raiah stated bluntly.

"Not a problem. Grab onto me!" I said. Raiah and her master became intangible like me. We floated through the gate.

"Whoa. That...was freakish," said Raiah, shocked.

"Well, sometimes big things come in 6 foot four packages!" I quipped.

"Not funny. What really matters is how we're going to get the heglerb with mourners guarding it night and day!" the Master exclaimed.

"Um, the same way we got here! We'll all just become intangible and float through the building!"

"Works for me!" said Raiah, "Uh-oh." Mourners were closing in on us. Utilizing the pressure of the situation, I had managed to knock out one of them, though I was still exhausted from telekinesising the xeftun. Raiah and the Master had managed to knock out the other two, meanwhile. Raiah picked up the robes from two of the mourners. "A disguise, just in case. Here, Master." Raiah and the Master clothed themselves in the mourner garbs.

As we walked around the city, another Mourner came up to us.

"Hey, guys. On break?" he asked.

"Nah. We're... um...-" Raiah stammered.

"...New recruits!" blurted out the Master.

"You guys don't look tall enough to be elves..."

"Well...that's because we're not elves! The Mourner Corp was so desperate they started recruiting humans," said the Master.

"Oh. So... where're you assigned?"

"The... uh... heglerb... place."

"Really? There aren't supposed to be any new recruits there. Hmm, I'll go talk to the boss."

"Uh, that won't be necessary," said the Master. "Rai! Alpha epsilon pi!" he whispered.

"Why woul-" the Mourner fell to the ground, comatose.

"How'd you..." I was cut off.

"Nerve pinch!" Raiah said, proudly.

"Ah. Hey, I think I see the building where they keep the heglerb!" All three of us looked ahead. Mourners were marching around a hut, and a window within allowed us to see an herb growing in a pot within.

"Oh yeah. That's it," said the Master. The two of them marched up to the front door, while I floated up to the room, waiting for them.

"A-hem. Yes. We'll need immediate entry to this building, mm-hmm," demanded the Master.

"May I see your approval certificate from the boss?" said the Mourner guarding the door.

"Umm. You see I think we might have (alpha!) dropped it on our (epsilon!) way here (pi!)."

"Well then I'm afraid you ca-" the Mourner was knocked out. Raiah had nerve pinched him. The other Mourners started to attack. The Master kicked down the door and grabbed the pot of heglerb.

"Grab on to me!" I shouted. Rai and the Master became intangible again and we jumped through the wall. We all ran as fast as we could towards the gate. On the ground before us lay a teletab. Not caring where it teleported us, Raiah stomped on it, teleporting us all.

As the purple light disappeared we found ourselves in Falador. Quite a bad place to be, being I'm Zamorakian. My Master and I tore off our Mourner clothes and revealed our Saradominist disguises.

"Well, we've crossed off two herbs on the list, and the last one would be..."

"Kopoushké," said myself and the Master, and in stereo no less!

"Well, how're we going to find a green dragon's den?"

"My 12 years at Varrrock University did not go to waste, sir. I have a Ph. D. in dracology!"

"Well, Doctor Frumac, where could we find such a creature as a green dragon?" I queried.

"The Wilderness, the very home of all dragons!"

"And how're we supposed to get there at this hour? The Sun is setting and we have no runes. The closest rune shop is in Port Sarim!"

"Well, you never know what's inside the White Knight Armoury..."

"You're not suggesting staging a break in, are you?" asked the Master.

"Not in the slightest. I want to gamble with them."

"Gamble what?" I asked.

"My home and all its contents for a Wilderness teletab over a game of Draughts."

"All that for a Wilderness teletab?"

"Hey, you've got to remember that this could bring me back to life!"

"Or turn you into a frog-ucorn," said the Master.

"Yeah, there's that." We started walking towards White Knight's Castle.

"`Lo?" asked a guard.

"Yes, we'd like to speak with Sir Varze."

"Very well. Please follow me." The guard led us into the throne room.

"Ropac? Who're these people?" asked Sir Varze.

"The Ghost would like to talk with you."

"Very well. Who're you...friend?"

"Doctor Dancus James Frumac, sir. I am truly humbled to be in the presence of the acting king of Asgarnia."

"Ah, the seer! I know of you. You're welcome any time, sir."

"Good, good. Say, Sir Varze. Are you skilled at Draughts?"

"Very."

"Fantastic. I'd like to play with you!"

"Certainly! And what will the wager be?"

"My cottage and all of its contents."

"And if you win?"

"A Wilderness teletab."

Sir Varze thought for a while. "Accepted." Varze and I shook hands. He took out his Draughts board.

"Fires or waters, Doctor?"

"Fires."

"Okay, fires gets first move!" I telekinesised one of the pieces. Varze took his move. ''Click! Click! Clack! Clonk! Click!''. Eventually it was down to 3 pieces for me, 4 pieces for Varze. I moved one of my pieces.

"Queen me."

"Very well." Varze flipped over my piece, revealing a crown pattern. It was his move. He captured one of my pieces. "Now queen me, Doctor." I flipped his piece. Then, I jumped three of his pieces. I was in position; and I captured his queened piece!

"Good game," I said, holding out my hand. He was aghast.

"Wow. No one has ever beat me at Draughts before! You, Doctor, will go down in history!" Varze shook my hand. "Now, I am no bad sport. Rapoc, fetch this man a Wilderness teletab!" Raiah and the Master high-fived each other.

"Jaddakh would be proud! He was very skilled at Draughts, you know," the Master explained. Suddenly, Sir Varze interjected.

"This Wilderness teletab is a new kind of teletab, which is open to modification. Where exactly would you like to go?"

"You're the dracologist, Dan," said the Master.

"The Green Dragon Pit."

"Very well," said Sir Varze, warily. He handed the teletab to the Master, who threw it to the ground, shattering it and enveloping us in the purple light once again.

As we were transported through the fabric of space and time twisting around us, we arrived not in the Wilderness, but instead in a small red cave. "The RuneScape Teleportation Matrix has experienced a problem. Please pull the green lever to be transported to your destination. Your magical tablet will be refunded, and will be programmed to return you to your starting place. We're sorry for the inconvenience."

"Oh jeez," said the Master. He pulled the lever.

We arrived at the edge of a huge pit containing a multitude of Green Dragons. "Wow. This stinks. Literally!" said Raiah. There was a huge pile of dung in the pit's center, on top of which a sprig of kopoushké grew. A sleeping Green Dragon was laying right in front of it.

"Gosh, I wish Tarqinder were here," I said.

"Tarq-who?" queried Raiah and her Master.

"A pal of mine. Slays dragons. Oh, did I not tell you? I'm a scientist, not a slayer."

"What? How're we supposed to get there?" asked The Master

"Fret not, friends. Just grab on to me, you two." Raiah and the Master became intangible again just as the last rays of sunlight left the sky. I flew up into the air, and they did as well, considering that when you're intangible weight disappears. We accelerated towards the dung pile. "Okay! Rai's Master, I'm going to drop you onto the dung pile! You grab the koupoushké and use the teletab to teleport to Falador before you're eaten! Meanwhile, Rai and I will fly back to Falador. Meet us on the first floor of the Rising Sun!" I hollered down.

"Okay!" the Master yelled. He let go of my hand and regained his weight. Thanks to gravity, he hit the pile of dung at terminal velocity. Unfortunately, the sudden impact caused the dung to ignite. Flames were about to swallow the shoot of kopoushké. He jumped and grabbed the herb in midair. The angry dragons began to jump. He threw the teletab into the ground, and yelled "Falador!". The dragons pounced... On nothing but a flash of purple light, because the Master was home free.

Raiah and I flew towards Falador. As we flew over the Wilderness Ditch, a large explosion enveloped the Green Dragon Pit.

"I hope my Master survived..." said Raiah. Just then, a purple flash appeared in the fiery pit. "Yep, he'll be okay," she said, relieved, as we flew past city gates.

"We've arrived at our destination at Falador's Rising Sun Inn. Please remain clinging precariously to your ghost pilot until he comes to a complete stop. Thank you for flying Air Frumac!" I quipped.

"Oh stop it." We floated through the roof of the Rising Sun and Raiah released my hand, regaining tangibility. The Master ran up the steps from downstairs at that very moment.

"Air Frumac?" he asked.

"Forget it," I said. "Well? Do you have it?"

"The kopoushké? Why wouldn't I?" The Master displayed the herb proudly.

"Master, you smell like crap!" said Raiah, holding her nose.

"Well that's because I took a bath in some!"

"Finally! After two long months I will become human once again!" I exclaimed. We walked down the stairs and out the door. "You know, you guys aren't typical Zamorakians," I said, as we walked out the city gate.

"No, no we are not," replied the Master, "We're only in it for the necromancy."

"And when you're in a business that involves revenge and resurrection, those two make a hell of a couple. Which turns into one thing. Profit!" Raiah said. We all laughed as we opened the gate to Taverley. Hiding behind a tree, the Master and his apprentice held steadfast to my ghostly hands, as we flew to Hemenster.

A guard ran into the White Knight Castle. "Callofon? What are you doing here? You should be guarding the city gate! It's also 10:30 at night, so I should be sleeping!" said Sir Vyvin.

"Sir, I overheard a ghost talking to an old man and his apprentice, a woman. The ghost said they were Zamorakian!" said Sir Callofon.

"Zamorakians? After the War? Send the Imperial Guard after them! The Knights are busy on the peninsula."

"Sir? Only Varze can assign missions to the Military after we got rid of Vallance! You'd be undermining a superior officer in a time of militant rule!"

"I don't give a flying jubbly about undermining authority! Head straight to Burthorpe and give my mission assignment to the Imperial Guard! And if Denulth has any problems understanding the mission...you know what to do. Order 76."

"Yes... sir," said Sir Callofon. He ran down the stairs ad out of the castle.