Legend of Haru Part 3

Chapter 37: Tai and co are back!
When we last left off, our Earthian friends were currently fighting off the ravenous Blurgeleledleldy fllakkutktktkytres beast of Talimar!

“HUH?!”

But they lost and every human being on Earth died!

And then they all came back to life!

So you see, that's pretty much what happened.

“WHAT IN THE NAME OF CREAMED CHICKEN ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!” Sakura yelled.

Awright, awright, have it your way! Last time we saw them Taiki and Co. had just gone on an incredibly unsafe motorcycle ride and were about to drive through the Bridgewater Triangle with their friends so that they would go to RuneScape to save Taiki, Tairin and Tengu's father Sam. Happy?

“Yes!”

Na-Na-Na-Na-Na, Na, HA! HA! BAKA SURVIVOR-

“We don't have no dagnabbed theme song!” Tengu yelled.

GLAAAGPTH!

On something that is actually related to the story...

Anyway, Taiki, Tairin, Tengu, Daniel, Aleksei, Alexa, Sam, Millie, who had managed to get there with nobody knowing, were trekking through the swamp.

Strange creatures flew overhead. Strange noises issued from the bushes. Once, Alexa saw a UFO made of energy, with several others chasing it.

Finally, they came to a circle of 15 stones. They walked in and-

FLASH

The group found themselves in a strange psychedelic blue tunnel. Then...

SHLOOOOAAARRRRPPPPP

The group found themselves being sucked through, watching many strange images on the walls then...

PPPPPRRRRAAAOOOOLHS

The gang found themselves in a large silver bubble-shaped room. They couldn't explain it at all. They walked out to the strangest display of beings that ever scratched the surface of perception. Let's see now... there were androids, chameleoids, humanoids, insectoids, aside from things ending in -oid, there were arachnids, slimethings, (A.K.A blobs of... ooze with colours varying from pink, green, blue, red, orange, purple, yellow, turquoise, and some were colours that I cannot name at all) crustacean-looking things, giant plants, some of which looked like tree spirits, which tended to follow this body type: the girls of that species were always very cute, and they always had green bodies, blossoms of varying bright colours in random places, none of which I shouldn't mention, but they all had one large, brightly coloured blossom on their heads. Continuing on, there were things that looked like the every UFO occupant you hear about, bigfeet, weird-looking things that looked like men and women with wings instead of arms, giant werewolf things, giant cat-things,( to get it over with, there were bipeds that looked like almost every animal you know about, mice in particular, and quadrupeds), people that looked like they were dressed up as animals, seemingly ordinary humans, fog, balls of energy that were constantly changing, humans that had the wrong number of limbs in some places, stuff straight out of Stephen King (The Mist, for example) and H.P Lovecraft, and things that defied explanation.

“Good gravy! And right in the region of the U.S I call home!” Tengu gasped. He was still ogling. Daniel, however, in collaboration with Aleksei and Alexa, and occasionally Taiki, they had served in many, many movies, most weird and exotic, all with substantial parts. This blew past even the weirdest B-movie they had starred in.

“Okay, this is weird,” Sam spoke up. “But we need to get to RS. How do we do that?”

“Well,” a deep voice replied from behind them, “I believe I can help you with that.” the guy looked kind of like he was from Africa, and had black dreadlocks with small white tips, had a scimitar hanging at his waist, a spear on his back, and a shield that looked like a wooden mask on his left arm. He wore no shirt, only red and black tattoos. “Name's Atticus Xyxzlyyxzrylcrysxylmyzxxycryslyxlrhyzphyllyx. There's no time to tell you how to pronounce it. My ship, the Prometheus, It goes to all worlds. Gallifrey, Steampound, Earth, Mars, Moons of Jupiter, Uranus, Betelgeuse-” “Beetlejuice! I love that movie!” Samuel grinned. “The star system, not the movie!” Atticus groaned. “Anyway, you get the idea. To fill you in on where you are... this is the Skygrid, a large network of floating cities and bridges, hovering above the centre of Jupiter. So how about that trip to RS?”

“Okay!”

They walked through the halls, looking at truly amazing ships, until they came to an enormous... thing. It was impossibly curved, with a saucer-shaped bridge and giant engines...

I know, bad description, but it's the truth, I can't describe it.

“Whoa,” Alexa gasped. “You are rolling in it!”

“Uh, that's not my ship. It's right through that door.” he opened it, to find a nondescript room, with something standing in the middle.

“Uh, it's a London phone booth.”

“I know. Beautiful, isn't it?”

“Its a phone booth, you idiot!” Aleksei yelled.

“I know. Step inside.”

“You did hear what Aleksei said, right? Considering that its a London phone booth, there is not usually very much space.” Alexa argued.

“Get in, nincompoops,” Atticus groaned, and booted them all in. The inside was sort of like a Victorian drawing-room, with nice portraits of people with white hair, but the one thing that made it really stand out was the enormous reactor thing with thousands of cogs, pistons, valves, circuit boards, wires, and vials covering it in its entirety.

“This is no phone booth,” Taiki muttered.

“So, where do you want to go?” Atticus asked.

“RuneScape,” Tairin replied.

“Aye aye,” Atticus grinned. “Ryurin! Fire up the engines!”

“Ready for launch, bro!”

FUUUUU-WYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

That was the sound of the booth being transmuted into a little blue light. It sped along the weird psychedelic tunnels of the fabric of the space-time continuum, passing another London phone booth, albeit that one was blue. (hint hint)

True, the travel was shaky and turbulent. But Sao and Ryurin seemed completely unfazed.

Then all hell broke loose.

Chapter 38: dragons, golems, and exploding mice
I, Haru, author and creator of the ridiculous stories Throughout the Ages, Plague of N00bs, and Bakayokai no Shomon, give my permission to my editor, Zamorakknght, who lives at Danvers State Hospital 450 Maple Street Danvers, to do whatever crap with the story he wishes for the next 3 chapters. This includes the permission to A), make it a sci-fi story, B), make it bloodier, C), turn it to a random mess of crap, (oh right, it already is) D), add a theme song, Baka Sabaiba in particular, (Baka Survivor, also known as idiot survivor), E), add parodies, and finally, F), do all of the above.

However, dear editor, you must not-repeat, MUST NOT, add in an amazing action scene at the end of these chapter, or the next one I assign. If you disobey these guidelines, I will use your head, or more likely your entire body, as a paddleball.

Haru Bakamaru Axeman, May twenty-first, 2008.I hereby approve this document, and so does the fox that lives near my house. He had to be in the story. Please don't ask why, because he has not much use for pages, he wasn't born with opposable thumbs.

Yes, that is the title. Yes, that was actually a legal document to my editor, who lives in an abandoned insane asylum. Yes, this is the chapter where not only BoBoBo Bo Bo BoBoBo is imitated, but episode 2 of Excel Saga. Look it up on YouTube. Meanwhile, Haru and Co., with Wolfblade's help, were now in the University of Itchcraft and Itchery. The lobby was enormous. Students, all wearing princess dresses from the “Frog prince/princess” event, were milling about.

“Uh, Haru?” Wolfblade asked.

“Yes?”

“You said you went to this school.”

“So?”

“It's an all-girls school!” Wolfblade yelled, pretty darn annoyed.

“You don't want to know,” Haru replied cryptically.

“Shouldn't we ask for directions?” Acidwire asked.

“No. Didn't you read the sign?”

“But it means witchcraft and-oh, I get it!”

They promptly walked up to the office, which was at the top floor. A woman that looked to be 61 years old sat in a chair, humming something that sounded like: “The black brings life, so stay on it, just not on white”. “So Haru, Kaia, and Wolfblade, the most hated people in my life, what brings you here?”

“Nothing much,” Kaia replied casually, “just that mercenary assignment that you put out to any mercenary who wanted it.”

“Fine,” she crossed her arms. “I need you to bring me an Olboricon cold fusion gemstone. It resides deep in the north.”

“That's all?”

“That's all? But I won't trust you with it.”

“WHY? I am a doctor, for Pete's sake. I am a detective. I have 57 quest points! My detecting skills saved Lumbridge, along with a new species of goblin. I have solved the mystery of the River Salve. I defeated the Culinaromancer! I defeated Elvarg and Delrith, for the gods sake! So what makes you think I cannot solve this?”

“All right, all right, you can do it. Just bring the gem back!”

The enormous group, Haru, Kyushi, Kaia, Sakura, Wolfblade, Diana, Zelda, Samuel, Acidwire, walked out of the room.

“Should we do an overly epic 10-chapter journey there, or should I just be a spoilsport and use Ghorrock Teleport to get us pretty dang far into the wilderness? I have completed Desert Treasure, you know.”

Haru and Kyushi grinned. “Eh, to heck with it.” after weird black blocks falling from the sky... poof! They were gone.

Then they found themselves in the deep, icy wastes of the wilderness.

“Why did you do that?! Our ratings could have soared because of the 15-chapter journey the author might have put in!” Zelda yelled.

“Uh, look,” Haru replied, “all of our writers are non-union. In fact, our only writer is non-union.”

“What? No health plan?!”

The group walked through the frozen wasteland, passing failed attempts at settlements, and the occasional monster.

Then they came to a gate. One that looked indescribably old. Kyushi disintegrated it randomly.

“Why'd you do that?” Acidwire asked.

“Well, for starters, the Cold Fusion whatchamacallit is there.”

“How do you know?” Sam asked.

“Remember how we were saying that the only writer we have is non-union?”

“Yeah, so?”

“The guy has this amazing action scene planned, and he wants us to get this job done ASAP.”

“I see, although I really don't.”

They walked through the gate...

And found themselves in a large cavern that seemingly defied all known laws of existence.

“You'd need Level 60 agility to get through this” gasped Sam, looking at the vast atrium in front of them. It was amazing. Small ice platforms floated in the air, sort of like stairways. Men, women, and Saradomin knows what else scurried upon them. Large thorns came from the wall, and particularly long and thin ones connected to the large 'Island' in the middle, which was covered with grass. Tall quartz-like buildings pointed up to the large thick glass ceiling, where Haru assumed they would look just like odd 3 or 4 story buildings. The towers were indescribably tall. One could probably fit up to 15 stronghold of security levels in it!

“I think this is the Lost North Kingdom of Eisenmeteor!”gasped Kyushi. “It was all so long ago!”

“So, how do we do it?” Sakura asked.

“The spikes?” suggested Acidwire.

“Great idea!” answered Haru.”GO!!”

They ran like heck to a spike. After about 12 spikes, they stopped and rested.

“Look, the ice is cracking!” Zelda exclaimed.

“They can't stand our weight!”Kyushi agreed.

Then all the 11 other spikes they had crossed spontaneously shattered.

“We're trapped!!!” she yelled. ”Oh well, it could be worse!”

“It just did!! Look!”Diana pointed. A humongous lizard thing with swords that had 10 wings was flying toward them. ”Fire Strike! Fire Blast! Fire Bomb! Phoenixflame! Lava blitz! Lava big boom!” he yelled. But each fire spell did nothing to stop it! In fact, it seemed to grow tenfold!

“Let me try!” exclaimed Sakura. ”Fire Blitzkrieg! Fire Strike! Fire Blast! Fire Bomb! Phoenixflame! Lava blitz! Lava big boom!”but once again, the monster expanded! “Okay, so magic won't work, how about ranged combat!” she got out her 8 launcher crossbow, but the monster swatted them like fleas!

“FOR CRIPES SAKE, WHAT THE ________ WILL WORK THEN?!!!!?!?!” roared Haru.

Melee?

“ARE YOU SERIOUS!? That’s suicidal!” he screamed. ”Say, who are you?”

I’m the author. I write the story. Would I put you in a fight you can’t win?

“You could if you wanted to!” Haru replied.

Good point. But I am a mildly compassionate author. So I think you should probably use melee.

“Alright already!!!” I’ll give melee a try, for crying out loud!”

“Are you completely insane?!” everybody yelled.

“I guess we'll find out!” He replied.” Dragon battleaxe... 4 strength potions... RAMPAGE!!!”

KABOOOMM

The monster exploded. Very messily. The wall, the Twilight Guild, and the central pillar with was covered in internal organs, blood, and marrows.

“Thank you, author!” thanked Haru.

You’re welcome!

“Are you going to follow me everywhere?” he yelled.

Well of course I am! But I will give you some privacy if you need to change or.... you know.

“Okay!”

Suddenly the ice began to crack. Transparent knights with spikes sticking out of their armour came out in an indescribably weird way. They just melted out of the ice, like water dripping from a wet ceiling. They wielded every type of weapon known to RuneScape. And some not.

“For crying out loud!!” muttered Samuel. ”Charge!” They ran toward the golems.

“I never wanted to use this, but they leave me no choice!” yelled Haru. He unsheathed his large Dragon battleaxe-

“Where the _____ did that come from!” he yelled.

It's a gift. If you waste it, something very bad will happen.

He then rushed toward a golem holding a longsword. Haru twisted his arm around, slung the axe over his shoulder, and catching the hook at each end of the end of the axe at the edge of the golem’s sword, and flung the icy longsword at a group of golems, destroying them.

“Dragon twister!” Haru yelled. He swung his sword. A burst of wind compressed to the point of a blade cleaved through a group of golems.

Um, Haru, I think we should go to Kaia.

“Why? I haven't been this violent with a melee weapon since the great Yew N00b invasion of Rimmington!”

I've given you a bit too much attention. I mean, watching you kill 10 golems per minute is intensely violent, but as they say, Ladies first! Unless the main character is male!

“Why not go to her? I'll kill golems as if my life depended on it. But then again, it pretty much does!”

Meanwhile....

“Well it's about time!” Kaia yelled. “DRAGON BOMB!!!”

Suddenly, all Ice Golems within a 30 foot radius of her melted into water. That just so happened to be all of them. Then a strange thing happened. The water from the golems shot through the air and joined with other melted golems and turned into an exact replica of the ten winged dragon that they had fought just before. And, to make things even worse, the residue from the dragon had been sucked into the frosty monster's mouth, merging with it to create a duplicate of the original dragon! Albeit it was 4 times the size, and various parts of it were made of ice! Then it raced for the rest of the guild.

There's only one thing I can think of she thought.

It opened its jaws. The rest of the guild tried to run, shooting fireballs on the way, but she was about to be eaten. No one could doubt that, when suddenly Kaia ran into the mouth of it. Suddenly, there came the sound of somebody yelling the word ”Phoenixflame!”. Then the monster exploded.

“She was my sister, Kaia! She sacrificed her life for me! Why! Why!” he cried.

“You know, you can stop crying now.” said a familiar voice.

“Kaia! You're alive!” He cried, hugging her.

“You know, author, you should definitely start coming up with more ideas,” Haru moaned.

Oh shut up! I wrote in that document, didn't I? That's funny! Admit it!

“The gem is this way,” Diana observed.

“How do you know?”

“I don't,” she replied, “But the author has something planned.”

The group walked through a nearby ice corridor, being very cautious, when suddenly...

“WOW! The gem is right across the room! This'll be easy!”

“I don't think so. Look, the floor is made of black and white cobblestones. I have a hunch... watch,” Haru took out a slice of cheese, and dropped it on a white square. A mouse ran out to get it, and promptly exploded. Then more mice ran out, causing more mushroom clouds. It sounded like this: SQUEE-PFAAW-OOOOM! SQUEE-PFAWOOOOM!

"Well, we know not to walk on the white squares," Haru grinned. They walked across, and grabbed the gem, then teleported to Lumbridge. I know, I know, it could have been a bit more dramatic.

Chapter 39: Blood, guts, and random violence
Wolfblade, along with Haru and the rest of the Twilight Guild, sat in Head's office. "A job well done!" Haru grinned, taking a big, long sip of Karamjan Rum, straight from the bottle.

"Congratulations, Haru, Kaia, Kyushi, Wolfblade," Head grinned, with an odd edge. "For securing this rare gemstone, and leading the expedition, your reward is..."

"Imprisonment!" she cried, with enormous runite cages suddenly imprisoning all of the people she just mentioned.

"WHAT? WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON?!" everybody yelled.

"Let me explain," Head cackled. "I think I chose my name very well on this pitiful planet. Head...Master. Has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?"

Her body was warping, changing into something that looked a bit like a cross between a grossly misshapen dragonfly, and a giant green squid, (well, that's what the head looked like, albeit it was upside-down) with a face that was even more hideously ugly than her own. Horribly disgusting pus oozed from every pore.

"I think I'm going to be sick," Haru groaned.

"Let me explain," she wheezed in a grating voice. "I am OmuNari. I come from a planet far far away, where females are treated like dirt."

"Thankfully, when we went into the Fifth age, we evolved past such crap," Kaia interrupted.

"Anyways, as I was saying," she continued, "on our planet, the males treated the females like dirt, and-"

"YOU ALREADY SAID THAT!" Kaia yelled.

"STOP INTERRU-"

"No can do, alien scum. See, I have Chronic Interrupting Disorder," Kaia interrupted again. "It's part of a type of mental wiring that sounds like a horrible food."

")(*&) off and shut up!" OmuNari yelled.

Kaia fell silent.

"Anyways, a band of females banded together to fight this injustice. However, it split into eighteen factions, each favouring a different tactic. Then all of those factions lost at least 80% of members pursuing a diplomatic approach. The remaining factions joined the pacifists. Except for seven, which we decided to call the Zagrakh 7! We destroyed all the males on our home planet! Then we realized that other planets were oppressed by this cruel tyranny, so we annihilated all of the males on those planets! But we decided to try the direct approach. You see, after learning a spell to change all the boys into girls, and that both Earth and this pitiful one are the parents of the universe, essentially, I decided to rid the planet of the tyrants! I will rid this, and every other universe, of males!"

"In a lifetime of listening to plans so brainless they almost take idiocy to an art form, that is by far the stupidest, most deranged plot I have ever heard!" Haru yelled. "By the way, did anybody ever tell you that you're completely and irreversibly insane?"

"Yes. Goodbye." she pressed a button, and every body fell through the floor, down to the countryside behind Lumbridge, to find that...

They were 2 miles above the ground!

"OOOHHHMAAAAGAAAWD!" Sam yelled in horror.

They plummeted like rocks, wondering whether they would die from hitting the ground, or from asphyxiation, but...

Surprisingly, they survived, each of them hitting a tree in a fashion not unlike that of the out-of-control skier.

Once Haru, Kyushi, Wolfblade, Sam, and Acidwire's groins had recovered from the crushing pain, they realized they had to get back up, when they realized that there was an enormous battleship above. It looked a lot like the battleship you first see in the first Star Wars movie.

"Good Guthix," Wolfblade gasped, looking at the ship. "How do we get up there?!"

"I think I know. We'll get in this cool wardrobe!" Kaia replied, pointing to a ridiculously decorated, vaguely pear-shaped wardrobe, one with windows and strange torches.

"HOW THE HECK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO HELP?! AND HOW LONG HAS THAT BEEN THERE?!" Diana gaped

Haru shrugged. They all ran into it.

"Now how's this supposed to help?!" Diana asked.

"I think you mean "how is it helping?" ", Haru replied.

Everybody looked out the window to see the countryside of Lumbridge below them.

"So this thing can fly?!" Sakura asked incredulously.

"Yeah. Haru and I got it from a fellow doctor," Kaia replied.

Then...

KA-BRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMFFKK!

The tiny little wardrobe smashed into the ship's belly. Wolfblade, and Haru and Co. stepped out to find...

They were surrounded by cute humanoid catlike things that were making a strange purring noise! (it sounded like: “Puuruu, Puuruu!”)

“They're super-cute!” everybody yelled, hugging them.

One walked up to Kyushi. “Aw, so cute!” then he punched it in the face, and stomped on it repeatedly. “Unfortunately, I'm not interested in that kind of thing!” he then looked down, to find that...

“IT'S HIDEOUS!” he gasped. Haru saw it too, and decided to make cute cat-thing sushi.

“HAI-YAAARGH! HAIAYAYAYYAYAYAYAYAYYAYAYAYHAYAYAYAYYAYAYAYAYYAYAYAY-AYAYAYYAYAYAYAYAYAYA! HYA!” Haru yelled, tomahawking creature after creature. “It's amazing what you can do with an eight-foot tall Nyoibo Battleaxe, isn't it?”

Soon, every other Guild member joined in. “We can't hold them off!” Acidwire yelled. “Their cuteness is paralyzing!”

With that, Kyushi incinerated all of the cute creatures.

After running through miles of hallways, they walked straight into a main room full of the cat creatures. The chorus of “Puuruu, puuruu, puuruu puuruu puuruuu” was unbearable.

“Head's in the room after this!” Wolfblade yelled. “Guys, girls, go on without me!”

“But Wolfblade...” Diana gasped.

“I'll be fine! Just don't die before I do!” he yelled, unstrapping his enormous sword.

The Twilight Guild ran through the halls, weapons bared.

“We're coming for you, Head!” Haru yelled. “I'll behead you, Head!”

THE END

“This is how the story ends?! Ma-Ma-Ma-Majide?!” everybody yelled.

No. I lied!

Chapter 40: Paradoxical Plunge
(not quite finished)

Taiki, Tairin, Tengu, Sakura, Alexa, Aleksei, Nick, Sam, and Samuel are back, man! So, anyway, when we last left off, our Earthian friends were currently fighting off the ravenous Blurgeleledleldy fllakkutktktkytres beast of Talimar!

"START MAKING SENSE, BAKA!" Taiki yelled.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK! Dying is easy.... comedy is hard, unless you're Bobobo. Kumquats,... chickens with shaved bottomless rayguns.... CodecustardCodecustardCodecus-tard.... Dying is easy.... comedy is hard.... I'll..:>><@$69>>><<<<<......::::...:get......... yoooooooooooooooouu.... Taikiiiiiiiiiiii.....................::>:.;>;>*)(*)(&)))>>>>>>>

WE'RE SORRY, OUR GIBBERISH FILTER IS OFFLINE. PLEASE WAIT 46 YEARS WHILE WE-

"IT'S WORKING JUST FINE YOU NINCOMPOOP, JUST LET US GET BACK TO THAT ANNOYING PARADOXICAL CLIFFHANGER!" Tairin yelled.

Awright, awright already! Sheesh, what's an author got to do to make a joke!

meanwhile, in a phone booth traversing the tunnels of time and space....

Ryurin was the first one to notice that something was going wrong. The instruments were going crazy. “Oh ****” she cursed, taking out a large wrench that would work very well as a bludgeon, pounding the dashboard. Large legless hooded skeletons flew past the booth. “Damn,” she moaned. “A Screaming Valley!” (I borrowed that title from Bleach: Memories of Nobody.)

“This is not good,” she was panicking. “Don't panic, Ryurin... don't panic... that's what the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy says... for Guthix's sake don't panic... shoot, talking to yourself is a sign of panicking...”

in the passenger room...

Atticus knew something was wrong. Well, something was wrong other than the fact that he was transporting Earthians to their home planet, in a ridiculously obsolete Type 28 TT Capsule, one that most considered older than the oldest stars, even by a good friend of his who he wasn't supposed to know for complicated reasons, who piloted a retrofitted Type 48.8 Custom TT Capsule, whose friend piloted a Type 40 TT Capsule with a horrible, horrible short-range guidance system. That, and the fact that his sister wasn't playing AMVs on her speakers. That was never a good sign, he reflected as a familiar Type 40 TT Capsule passed by. A spectacled man sat in it. Then it crashed into another Type 40 TT Capsule, each merging into one.

“Futz,” Atticus muttered.

“Scuse me, Atticus, but what in the name of flipping hippo just happened? Or, what is happening? Everybody's listening, and panicking, so I'd like to know why we're panicking,” said Tairin.

“You really want to know?”

“Yeah” “We are about to enter an irregular pseudo-dimensional temporal irregularity coordinate in a hideously outdated TT capsule completely unsuited for that kind of thing.”

“I have no idea what you just said,” Tairin gasped, “but it doesn't sound good.”

“It's not that bad,” Atticus observed. “It's worse.”

As if to punctuate his words, the capsule shook. Then there was a hideous screaming noise, coming out of the ground that seemed to be under them now. Large black hands were reaching for the TT capsule, trying to grab it.

“Now you see why they call this the Screaming Valley. It is, however, the gateway to anywhere. However, if one of the hands grab you, there's no telling where you'll land!”

“Oh,” Tairin replied, then fell over and slipped in something on the floor. “IT”S BLOOD?!” she shrieked.

“Mine actually,” Atticus replied. “You see, I have this rare type of haemophilia. It's perfectly normal.”

“IT'S NOT NORMAL! HEMOPHILIA DOESN'T MAKE PEOPLE BLEED FOR NO REASON!” everyone yelled.

“It is for me. You see, there's this blood-producing bacterium in my bloodstream, which creates more blood for me. But it overreacts when I'm nervous, bored, or angry. However, it also goes off when something bad is about to happen.”

As if on cue, a hand grabbed him and Taiki and dragged them out of the TT capsule.

“Oh god,” Sakura gasped. “This is seriously not good.”

"It's okay!" a girl's voice echoed up from the engine room. "I have control over the engines again! don't worry, they'll be just fine, they're landing in Gielinor. Unfortunately, it's several millennia away from our intended destination."

Chapter 41: Majide Hakijike Shinken
(the title is Japanese) Meanwhile, the guild was bodyslamming through Head's door. “It's all over!” Sam yelled, brandishing his fire battlestaff like a rifle, Acidwire in a similar position with a mud battlestaff.

Head, or OmuNari turned around. “So, you finally come, Twilight guild!” she cried. She immediately cast large cages around Diana, Sam, Acidwire, and Zelda. “This fight is with my former students!”

“They deserve to fight with us!” Haru yelled. And with a bluish, windy pulse, the cages were gone.

History will never record who machine-gunned OmuNari first, but it was probable that Sam had been. The guy was the one that liked combination spells, ones that normally involved extreme heat, flames, magma, blood, and lots of screaming and flailing.

As it turns out, that was exactly what happened.

“GYYYUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGKKK!” she yelled. “NOOOHOHOHOOHOHOHO! YOU DESTROYED MY DESK, AND PRICELESS PIECES OF POTTERY!”

Haru told her something I probably should not type.

“MALE SCUM!” she replied.

Haru told her the same swearword, and used his axe to pole vault up, raised it above his head, and slashed OmuNari diagonally, straight across the chest, in a spray of purple blood. She retaliated, clawing him across the chest. “GLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURGK!” Haru yelled.

OmuNari picked up 2 long black tubes, making large red fiery blasts shoot out. Everybody miraculously managed to avoid them.

Kyushi then decided it was time to use a rarely used attack, and just flat-out show off. “Super substitute attack!” unfortunately, he still was out of practice. So his subs, shooting powerful black flame as they were, were kind of obvious in the fact that they looked like inflatables. Haru and Kaia also joined in, shooting slaying darts, vacuum spheres, (hardened air) and earth blasts. “DIE!” everybody yelled.

“It's totally obvious,” OmuNari observed in a rare moment of lucidity, and sliced through all of them. Haru, Kyushi and Kaia's legs landed on one side, torso, heads and arms on the other.

“NO!” Sakura yelled, and, in a split second after turning into her fairy form, along with Diana, they barraged OmuNari with enchanted crossbow bolts, throwing knives, and spells too powerful to be regularly used. Nature Blasts, Cosmic Blasts... that sort of thing.

“In the honour of my dead lover... Odama Majide Kometto Barrage!! Also known as Majide TIME Shinken!” Sakura yelled.

“What is that supposed to mean? I don't understand Japanese,” OmuNari asked, confused.

“It means you're going to have the tar kicked, punched, bitten, and kicked all over again straight out of your butt! And probably your face!”

“Well, there goes our cute element,” Diana muttered, transforming into her fairy form.

“Ah... Majide means... Are You Serious?” OmuNari asked, bewildered.

“Yeah. I wouldn't have said that if I were you...” Diana replied quickly.

Suddenly, just like in the third age, and many chapters ago, huge characters for the word “Majide” slammed into OmuNari's back. “GYYYUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” she yelled. Majide characters were beating her. Majide characters were burning her. Majide characters were biting her. Majide characters were thrashing her. Majide characters were doing all at once.

“Haru, Kyushi, and Kaia live on through this attack,” Sakura smiled wistfully.”let's sit back and enjoy the destruction.”

“I sure do live on! Because damn, I'm still alive! And sure as heck I'm not dead, but I felt like being redundant!” a voice yelled. It was Haru. His body was poking (I don't know if that's the right word) out of the wall like some weird sideways icicle made of clay, and getting farther and farther. There were about 45 more things like him poking out of the wall. The same went for Kyushi and Kaia.

“WHAT THE-” OmuNari, “Ah no matter. I'll just read your minds! Ah, that's it... you were going to use all of your 135 clay substitutes in a 135 blows barrage! NONE OF YOUR MOVES ARE SAFE ANYMORE!”

“Wait a dangnabbed minute!” Haru gasped as something was suddenly revealed. “The only way to defeat her and keep her from knowing what we're thinking... Is for us to attack her without knowing what we're thinking!”

“Will that work?” Kyushi asked.

“Probably not. But I've never been wrong before!”

“Yes you have!”

“On second thought,” Kaia interrupted, “Why don't we just attack her and see if it works?”

“You're right! Saturday Crash!” Kyushi yelled.

Suddenly, the clay dolls were flung from the wall at Head's head. She raised her hands. Everybody held their breath, to find out that...

They harmlessly passed through her palms, heading straight into her hair!

"GLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURGK!" OmuNari yelled, coughing up blood. If you're wondering why she was screaming, it was because of A), the burger in her stomach was disagreeing with her, B), she was crying for the sins of the world, or C), George Bush.

If you guessed any of those, you were wrong! The answer was D), her hair was turning into an enormous and heavy afro! I'm so evil!

"Super Random Hakijike TENKAMASHINKEN," Haru grinned.. "Afro Bomb."

"What the heck is-Uh oh," OmuNari groaned, smelling a smell most people never live after smelling. The smelly smell... that smelly smell.... that smells... smelly.... Burning gunpowder. KA-PFAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

Look, can you figure out what happened? The afro turned into a large nuclear warhead! Okay, it doesn't make sense. My writing rarely does.

"That was your best attack?!" OmuNari yelled.

"NO. this is... Secret arts of half-demon TENKAMASHINKEN... Release the TENKAMASHINKEN S O U L!" Haru yelled.

"GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" he yelled, Kyushi and Kaia joining in. "Start playing some dramatic music now, you deranged {Insert a swearword of your choice here} of an author!" Kaia yelled. "We are on the verge of an incredibly powerful attack!

NO! What do you think this is, anime?!

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....."

Exactly!

Anyway, right after the overly dramatic, (and partially ruined) attack call, 3 vortexes appeared over Haru, Kyushi and Kaia. Haru's was blue, Kyushi's was red-black, and Kaia's was red. "Even I don't know what will happen next, but it'll beat the crap outta ya no problem! We'll just have to find out how!" Kyushi yelled.

"TENKAMASHINKEN SOUL FOREVER! KAI!" Haru yelled.

"Tenkamashinken SOUL forever! KAI!" Kaia and Kyushi yelled.

Ladies and Gentlemen, countrymen, chickens with shaved bottomless rayguns, and assorted monsters, I would like to tell you the 6 types of weird. 1), weird, 2) weirder, 3) weirderer, 4) weirdererest, 5) BoBoBo weird.

We just blew past all of them! Let's see what happened, now.. giant fire-breathing chickens... pyramids falling... hippies turning NYC inside-upside-right-down and making it psychedelic... holy torpedo folks, this is amazing! Even I don't understand this! Holy crap! Kyushi's nosehair turned inside out and revealed the entire solar system! Why's Kaia doing aerobics? Why does the earth have legs and arms? Why is it riding the subway? Will I run out of question marks?   This is pure unrefined insanity! Or is it just writer's block?!

“GLUUURGK!” OmuNari yelled as a giant crab fell on top of her.

“That was 1% of the true power of TEHKAMASHINKEN. You have no idea what you are in for now,” Kyushi warned OmuNari.

“You won't be alive long enough to give me one! HYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!” OmuNari raced toward them. Then she stopped.

Haru's big, strong hand was grabbing her face, keeping her from moving! Then he jumped up, spun around, and flung her against the wall. “You're bloody unbearable, you know that?” he asked her, as the room turned red. “in more ways then one.” a large, white, Kyubi (nine-tailed fox) shaped aura was forming around him. Kyushi's was the same, albeit it was red-black, and Kaia's was red and cat-shaped.

“TRIPLE YOUKAI BARRAGE!” They yelled. Haru's rushed toward her, clawing her. Kyushi and Kaia quickly did the same. Then the Auras turned into vaguely humanoid shapes. "HYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

They rushed toward her...

"SUPER YOUKAI SLASH!" Haru, Kaia, and Kyushi each raced toward Head from opposite directions, holding their respective weapons, which paled in comparison to the huge ones the auras were holding.

SPUULUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURT!

"GYAAAAAARGKPTH!" OmuNari yelled in pain.

"HAI-YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" Haru, Kyushi, and Kaia yelled as they each sliced Head with their respective weapons. Haru tomahawked her from above, then followed it up with 2 diagonal slashes, shattering a couple ribs. Kaia jabbed her halberd into OmuNari's pressure points. But it was Kyushi that truly was brutal. He smashed his gigantic sword into the ground, which created an enormous shockwave of black abyssal flame that smashed OmuNari into the high ceiling...

She fell off, a warped and beaten half-corpse, hitting the floor with a sickening thud. Kyushi, Haru, and Kaia watched as the tidal wave of black flame rushed over her, gradually eating her away.

"Revenge served," Haru said coldly.

“I've still got fight left in me!” OmuNari yelled, rushing toward them. “Die, heartless ******** as I use my true power! Your insolence will not survive in the new world that is coming, one that I am but a servant! And it will start in your home!”

Haru looked worried for a moment, muttered something like “Cut the crap,” then rushed toward her, slinging his axe over his shoulder, and diagonally slashed with it, creating an enormous gash in Head's torso. Then, in a move not entirely unlike swinging a baseball bat, Haru cleaved through her waist, and flung her her into the wall of the room. At the exact moment when one of the stones touched her...

Everything exploded.

It truly exploded. The whole ship exploded, and Haru was sure he had nothing to do with it.

Everyone, of course, knew that they were 3 miles above the ground. And, as one would guess, if you hit the ground from that high, you probably die.

Anyway, this would be a serious thing, but every Twilight guild member was required to keep at least 2 non-rune teleportation objects on their person, at all times. Haru crafted them with gentle hands, and enchanted them himself. However, his unorthodox methods of enchanting rings of all kinds were where the standard type of alchemy ended. Finito. He would go to odd lengths to create magical objects, using his level 53 strength, 60 combat (its not high compared to some people, but its pretty substantial!) and 33 mage to dismember and destroy monsters of all kinds, like giant, level 53 cockroaches, their counterparts, the even more humongously disgusting and level 84 Cockroach Warriors, ogres, mogres, zogres, jogres, truly large crabs, mudskippers, any other kind of fish, goblins, hill giants, ice bats, killerwatts, crawling hands, cave slime, lesser demons, grater demons, dragons, (Elvarg, dragon of Crandor, included) and other things so bizarre that perception fails to truly capture what the heck they were, just to create some new kind of enchanted necklace, ring, bracelet, armor with magical properties, or just transmute the threads of his long blue jacket into a flexible armor similar to mithril using some new element of enchantment. Dang, I'm missing the point! So, it came as no surprise, when considering the tendency of Haru's inventions to be a bit faulty, lacking such things as a stable landing, Haru and Co. melted out of the fortifications of Burthorpe Castle, and hit the ground, right in front of the soldiers practicing their combat manoeuvres.

Chapter 42: Another Paradox?! Oh for cripes sake...
(not quite finished)

“It's about time!” Alice yelled crossly. “I've been having a blade held to my throat for about 6 chapters!”

I'm sorry, Alice. I just forgot!

“You dirty-!”

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGLPTH! My spleen!

“So, what were you doing, exactly?” Alice asked the assassin guy.

“Taking you to ZMINeos for shadowfication.”

“Ah.”

“Well, (insert 2 swearwords of your choice here) it ain't gonna happen.” there was this big gust of wind, then...

KEEEERAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHK

SPUUULUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAARFFGGGGGGGGGGGGGKKKK

“GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!! MY BONES!”

Somehow a big gust of wind had swept into the train, knocking the assassin out.

"Taiki?" Alice asked. "Did you do that?"

"In part," he replied. " But the rest was all you. The powers are awakening. If we don't get to Zanaris, your true power may never be unleashed. That, or you will explode.”

“What?”

“All the more reason to get to Zanaris,” Atticus replied.

“How do you know this?”

“I’ve had brushes with power like that,” he replied.

Later…

The scene was pretty much like what happened when Haru’s team visited the fairy godmother. Really cool transformation, get a cute costume…

That sort of thing.

“Well, 3 of my many daughters returns!” the fairy godmother grinned. “But I may not see you again.”

“Why?” Alice asked.

“There is a great purpose awaiting you,” she replied. “one requiring much fighting.”

“What is it?”

“I cannot say. It is completely unfathomable, and besides, if I told you, it would ruin the story!”

“Ah,” everybody sighed.

“Now, go forth and sharpen your combat skills, for this Great Purpose requires-”

“That shouldn't be a problem,” Natalia replied. “I am not so bad at magic, Alice is good with melee, and Kairin is amazing with range! Why, we all have the respectable combat level of 30!”

“You plan on fighting level 61 fighters after lvl 61 fighter with level 30 combat?!” the fairy godmother yelled.

“WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?! That's... That's... That's the strength of a god!” Alice gaped.

“Believe it or not, it isn't. In the grand old days of RS, there were people who could reach level 138, who could easily defeat monsters who were level 400.”

“Then how do we survive?”

“Ah, I believe that you have already figured that out. This world is 89% dominated by the concept of summoning, correct? It's what could easily defeat something like that.”

“So we become summon-hunters!” Natalia gasped.

“Summon-hunter?” everyone but Natalia was confused.

“Yes!”

“What exactly is a summon-hunter?”

“A summoner looking for a challenge,” Natalia replied. “They go around the summoning realm, looking for wild familiars to make part of their arsenal.”

“A great idea,” the Fairy Godmother grinned, “Now to New Varrock with you!”

There were these purple energy rings, then...

Taiki, Atticus, Alice, Natalia, and Kairin stood in front of the rotating ring in New Varrok square.

“Sure you want this?” Atticus asked.

“yes!”

They jumped in the ring, to a universe beyond their comprehension. And possibly to a phone booth.

Chapter 43: All Together Now! No more bleeping cutaways!
Once the Twilight Guild got to Falador, Haru had explained everything. He, and Kaia, was born in the Kingdom of Norumbega, near the Air Altar.

"In the meantime," Haru grinned. "We really should be getting there, or we'll be late for the Winter Festival!"

"And that is...?" Sakura asked.

"No time!" Kaia yelled, taking out an Air Talisman.

FAAA-VWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPLLLLLLFFFFFF

Haru and Co. found them at the Air Altar. Then, in a spectacular flying leap, Haru jumped up straight off of the hill the altar was perched on, and whistled. "FWEEEEE!" Kaia followed closely behind.

Immediately, something that looked like a white Light Creature swallowed him up in that odd way Light Creatures have, then it flew away, to the north. Kyushi, on a platform of black flame that he was projecting from his body, raced after it.

Diana and Sakura sprouted their wings, and off they flew, creating vine pathways for the other members to run on. Finally, they found themselves in a wide courtyard, with many people wearing white walking past them.

Haru's blue jacket caused quite a stir. Apparently, in this place, people liked blue jackets. Then, a passing man wearing something vaguely like Haru's jacket, except with many more buttons, walked over, and grinned at him. “Arbo Ist Hier, Taisho Shikuba!” Haru greeted him.

Shikuba yelled something to Haru that nobody understood, which Haru smiled at.

“Who was that, and what the heck did you just say?” Sakura asked.

“I said in old German, 'Here I am, Here I stay, and Here I am content' then in Japanese, General Shikuba. Shikuba, if you must know, is an old friend of mine from the Academy of Norumbegan Military Power. In Norumbega, our language is mostly Scape Standard, known in some places as Anglish, but there are many, many words from other languages that have filtered into our language. That, or we just like words like polished gems. Oh, and he just told me I was promoted to General Doctor First Class.”

“Doctor?”

“Doctors are good friends of ours here. One saved the whole kingdom once!” Haru grinned. “I met him once. We were fighting these weird metal siege engine things that were about 5 foot 4 in the goblin village. What did the guy call them? I remember it started with D... Daleks, I think they were?”

“Uh-huh. Did he have spectacles?” Samuel asked.

Haru nodded.

“Was he wearing a decorative piece of celery?”

“That's a weird question. But no. He looked completely different than the one you're talking about. He was tall and skinny, with dark hair, and seemed a bit... odd.”

“Whoa! When did this happen?”

“2 years ago, just after the biggest outbreak of disease in the history of Gielinor. The Virus, (created by Ugozima), The Return of The Unending Death, where I served with honors, the Plague of West Ardougne, The Karamja Syndrome, Mutatus X, That Weird Green Mist From Tai Bwo Wannai, the Gray Mist...”

“Anyway,” Haru continued, “The guy came over, to find out why so many diseases ravaged an entire planet in one single year. It turned out that Gielinor was a universal hotspot for conquest. So, he found some people to help him rid the planet of the invaders. That includes General Khazard.”

“You and Kaia?”

“Yeah.”

“We all had to run around Runescape, one day fending off Monduran Cybermen in Falador, Cybus Cybermen in the Sanguinesti Region, (along with freeing human prisoners) Daleks in Goblin Village, prevent the planet from being taken over by Sontarans, while I whaled on them just long enough for the doctor to overload the valves on the back of their necks, then turn the ship into a missile and shoot it far into space, get the Bane off the planet by any means necessary, and, once more, get rid of the Slitheen. But, contrary to the saying 'never give up', we realized we couldn't fight them all off.”

“Then what happened?”

“We turned them against each other. It was a win-win situation.”

“WOW! But say, can you tell me about this kingdom?”

“Sure. Here’s a guidebook. Look!” Haru took a rolled-up piece of paper out of his jacket. Everyone closely looked at it: Kingdom of Norumbega Norumbega is a snowy Members-only city, with many maple trees, located very close to the Air Altar, in the Air Realm. In fact, it is within 2 miles of the air altar. It is the home of Haru Axeman, his semi-brother Kyushi, and his sister Kaia. It is home to the renowned, yet largely unheard-of Orb of Fun, (FunOrb) an enormous, purple, glowing, sphere located in Norumbega Square, which is the home of many, many minigames, including the PK game, Valgurazorgh, named for the demented, evil creature that inhabits it. It exists on no known maps. shops: General store Teleport shop, the only known one of its kind. Battleaxe shop magic shop staff shop 3 bank Valeigard's Pawnshop 1 church other: At least 5 entrances to the Hurricane Dungeon, most singular in the fact that it is not underground, it is high up in the sky, where players may fight large, avian monsters, (50-118) along with other flying things, dragons in particular. all of this requires level 15 Slayer or higher. A truly magnificent castle, on Royal Hill, a large hill in the centre of the town.

Norumbega Catacombs, another dungeon, which contains an Agility Training dungeon.

Pulpits of Forum, huge towers where players discuss whatever they feel like.

Gate of Randomness, which deposits you in a random location, from Asgarnia to Zanaris. Quests: Coming soon...

“Wow,” Sakura asked. “Why did you do that?”

“The author didn’t want to type a long, winded explanation of Norumbega is like,” Haru replied. “Well, technically he did, but that would be pretty tiring for me to say it all. However, don’t tell anyone I said this, but its home of the well-respected institute of Torchwood 5, along with the Time Agency

“But the scariest part is this,” Kaia added, “It's not quite part of the codes.” “So that means...” Acidwire gasped.

“Just about anything can happen, and it usually does,” Kaia confirmed. “It's rumoured, however, there's a gateway to a small, yet quite remarkable planet in Mutter's Spiral.”

“That reminds me...” Haru pondered, “WTF didn't my friends take that gateway here? I mean, I sent a Quad-Coded email to him, telling them to get to Norumbega ASAP, or he'd miss Blacktalon33's remade 666 bug, created from the loose codes! Besides, I have a big dang friends list, and everyone on it will be there! Everyone!”

“Slow down, Haru,” Kaia replied. “I know that our hacking project is very important to you, but our doppelganger friends will probably come soon. Besides, in that gate, there's a 75% chance they'd die without proper protection.”

“Wait a cotton-pickin’ minute!” Sakura asked. “Just who are you talking about?”

“My good friend, who mysteriously appeared at least 3 months before I appeared in the story. You see, it was during one of the enormous, windy, 200 mph blizzards that our nearby peak tends to have. He stumbled into my favourite bar, while I was drinking my rum, with a bit of Axeman's Folly next to it-”

“Haru, you like drinking?! You were like, 14, back then!” Samuel yelled.

“I can snap myself out of it any time I please,” Haru replied. “anyway, the guy was wearing this odd helm, an odd visor, a jacket like mine, big, clunky boots, black gloves and pants, his hair, along with the rest of his body, also looked exactly like mine, and he had these 2 little poles, along with what looked like oddly colored hilt less swords strapped on his back. He explained that he had been skiing in the woods down a peak across the road from our peak. Then he went up our peak, skied down it, and took a train back up, heading for a large bowl. He said that his friends rigged up this enormous field rope tow thing, so they could go skiing, and then he would go backcountry, and possibly outrun an avalanche. So, once he talked to me about the fact that he was from Earth, and he didn't know how he'd be getting home, his twin sister and the rest of his family must be worried out of their minds, he was in this strange place, with maple trees that were as orange as autumn, in what looked like the dead of winter, and he needed to get home, and the normal worries people have when they find themselves in a different dimension.”

“So, I told him he was in Norumbega, and he was surprised and overjoyed that he was in the U.S's lost city of gold and wealth, but he asked why there weren't many things like that there. I explained that it was exaggerated, we just are very, very wealthy. The streetlights, however, are actually crystal lanterns. Then I told him we'd go see the nearby world, and we ended up in Runescape, he grinned ear to ear. He then grabbed a weird black box, opened it up, randomly pushed things on it, and to my surprise, a full set of rune armor, except for the chest, appeared on him. A battleaxe and shield-my battleaxe, Fist of Honorable Cleaver, and shield, materialized in his hand. He did more typing, and then, quite accidentally, caused a large server blackout, next an enormous PK massacre, then used lunar magicks to wreak havoc in the Grand Exchange. He played around with the codes like Legos, abusing glitch after glitch, bug after bug, making huge coin spawns. He then told me he was a Sythe member, one of the best bug abusers and con-men in the history of multiplayer gaming, but he was fired, as he was funneling the money to himself, along with giving Jagex info on how to fix the glitches, and making it so they would never appear again, and, last but definitely not least, telling the Jagex mods what the main accounts of Sythe Members were, so he could ban them. He was a good man, taught me to ski. But then he skied back up our peak, and presumably back to his world.”

Then, in unparalleled randomness, a phone booth materialized right in front of them, with a VWORPLE. 8 people, all at least 15 years old, walked out.

Haru grinned. “Ah, our friends are here! Hello, Tairin! But where's Taiki and Atticus?”

“Not here. We lost him in a Screaming Valley. I'm very sorry, but he's probably-”

“Alive,” Taiki replied, appearing out of nothing. He was wearing a large, long, bluish, vaguely military jacket with lots of pockets with scrolls sticking out of them. 3 girls, who all looked like Haru, Kyushi, and Kaia walked behind him.

Then Atticus, our friend with the unpronounceable last name, appeared from no observable place. “Ah,” he grinned, ”Norumbega, that cosmic McDonalds in the middle of nowhere on some dusty, desert highway in the Midwest. Though now that I think about it, this road in Nevada, U.S.A, seems more like that.”

His sister, Ryurin, who looked exactly like her brother, grinned. ”Conspiracy nuts, urban explorers, climbers, warriors, mages, rangers, conjurers, herbalists, alchemists, brewers of beer, cooks, slayers, questers, artists, blacksmiths, half-demons, youkai, and gaming nuts. In short, we are Twilight Guild. Damn, we’re proud of it, though.”

“Visit my pub?” Haru asked.

“Heck yeah,” Taiki grinned. “I ain’t gonna miss an opportunity to drink the galactically renowned Splartches, Garandine GLYAAARGLPTH blasters, your Axeman’s Follies, your Sapbeer, Sapwine, and Saprum, woodgrog, wind-nectar, icegrog, firejuice, and Secret Weapon Rum. You’ve collected alcoholic beverages from virtually every location in this universe, correct?”

“Yeah, and proud of it!” Haru grinned. “Everything but the wine of Zamorak.”

“You like to get drunk, don’t you?”

“Yes. But I had this gene inserted in me. Whenever it becomes critical that I become sober, it gives me a painful electric shock.”

“Painful electric shock? Is that legal or safe?”

“Well, it’s not legal. But it’s seemingly safe…could that gene salesman from the 41st century have duped me? Dang, I wonder….” Haru pondered. “Oh, to Zamorak with it, lets just go. I mean, the author wanted to have some fun with Garandine GLYAAARGLPTH blasters.”

Later………..

“Why are they called Garandine GLYAAARGLPTH blasters?” Acidwire asked.

“Here, I’ll give you 5!” Haru grinned, handing them to him.

“Don’t you need to pay?”

“Naw. This is my pub, and I live here.”

“But that mansion-“

“I gave it to Sam.”

Acidwire then drank the drinks in one gulp.

“HOLY ****! Oh my-“ Haru gasped, panting. “Tell me you did not do what I think you just did!” “What?” Acidwire asked, genuinely confused. “What did he-“ Taiki asked, interrupted in mid-sentence.

“5 gargle blasters, drink, 1 gulp. Fill in the blanks.” Sakura (the one from RS) replied.

“Holy sh-“

People from all over the bar gathered around Acidwire, though giving him about a 10-foot radius of space. Betting, wagers and business offers filled the smelly pub air. Here are a few of the things that were shouted out:

“Pub Owner! I make unique gravestone for your friend! Only 123 gold!”

“43k that he dies!”

“100 that he lives!”

“What’s going on?”

“1000 that it happens in 11 seconds!”

“1000 that he has 2 seconds before it reaches the bottom of his throat!” (Haru also yelled this)

Acidwire looked up at his friends. “What is going on here?” he asked.

“You’ll find out in-oh my, right now!” Haru gaped.

There was a weird bubbling noise. Then….

“GLYAAARGLPTH!!!!!!!!” Acidwire yelled, shooting off the floor like a rocket. He seemed to be covered in purple flame. He flew through the ceiling, then…

KRA-SMAAACK!

He hit the floor. Then…

SHLOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAARRRP

Apparently his head was swallowing up his body! Then the head was being swallowed up itself! Then…

PRRRAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOLHS

He popped back into existence, panting and gasping. “How do you drink this stuff?!” he yelled at Haru.

“the same way you did,” Haru grinned, “although, the effects are pretty different every time. Currently, its in the ‘transformation’ stage for me. You wouldn’t believe what happens!”

Then 6 people burst through the door of the pub….

“Haru! You're about to die a horribly exaggerated messy and bloody death!”

Haru swore.

Chapter 44: Lord Carralpha
“Haru! You're about to die a horribly exaggerated messy and bloody death!” Haru swore.

“Well, before you die, you should know your killers! We are the Zagrakh 6, sisters of OmuNari! And together we will avenge her death!”

Haru dropped his axe. “There, you got me.”

“Any last words, scum?”

Haru grinned an evil grin. “Rot in a sack!” he yelled, shooting an enormous blue-tinted gust of wind laced with cobalt-colored energies at them.

The blast of energy would later be talked about for weeks to come. It was said that it destroyed much of the pretty square that Haru's pub stood in, remarkably not hurting anyone, and rocked the fundamental fabric of existence, possibly influencing a horrendously destructive storm in the early 21st century of Earth.

It did.

“Aw putz,” Haru groaned, “It appears I have just destroyed quite a bit of the city. Ah well, better warp the fundamental fabric of existence to rebuild everything.”

It was then when a cord seemed to plug itself into Haru's back. In a flash, everything was back to normal. Taiki, Tengu, Tairin, Alice, Atticus, Kaia, Kyushi, Kairin, Natalia, and Ryurin grinned.

Everyone else just stared.

Taiki grinned. "Well, Haru, it appears you learned something useful without me! Atticus's puppetry skills are amazing, Alice has amazing summons, I'm super-enhanced because of exposure to radiation, but manipulating the fundamental fabric of existence, along with complete mastery of the air element?! Not even the most powerful Transcendentals can accomplish that! How did you do it? Oh, and you upgraded your axe. How did you manage that?"

"Trade secret," Haru replied, "But to answer your first question, the radiation shields on the ol' Facet aren't working too well. Ah well, people like us are immune to virtually every kind of radiation. We were given radioactive toys back at our Quarters back Home, ain't that right? Temporal radiation.. That's a bit iffy.

"Point being?" Tairin asked.

"I've been Effected but not infected by my TT capsule's radiation." (Can you recognize what TT capsule means?)

Then a guy burst through the door.

Haru's prodigious long hair seemed to wither for a moment. "I swear, if you are some other alien out to kill me due to some vendetta I have no memory of, I am going to tomahawk you with my axe so hard that you will not be able to use your exoplasm, legs, palps, tentacles, wings, or methane slists for a month!"

"No," the guy replied, "I'm human, and I have an important issue to see you about, by Lord Carralpha's orders."

"So I urgently have to go to Lumbridge? What's so important? He doesn't like me at all."

"It's about Mitchan and Ritsuko," he replied.