Prologue

Haru was covered with blood, and with more injuries than he could count. He could feel his muscles screaming in protest, the gradual disintegration of one of his ribs. An enormous bloody scar dripped blood all the way down his arm.

The point of this is, our main character wouldn't die. He didn't quit, and for the sake of his deceased class, all perished in this battle, he would not quit.

For the memories of Morgan, Art, Bryn, Samwell, Kyara, Jake, Pat,Eryn, Watanabe, Serra, and Eric,* he thought, coldly breaking a noob in half with his enormous battleaxe.

Perhaps I should back up a little. Again. The setting is the small village of Rimmington and fighting the most terrifying of wars, a Noob War, at the Autumn Siege of Rimmington Barony, to be exact, with a coalition of the Lumbridge Royal Navy, the Asgarnian Marines, and a couple other peacekeeping forces, and companions Ritsuko, who is relatively tall and thin, with blue eyes and short white hair, Mishiku, purple hair, pale skin, 2 crossbows, purple gloves and boots, and red dragonhide, and Mitchan, Mishiku's sibling. I'd say Mitchan was brother or sister of Mishiku, but nobody could tell. Mitchan wore a flowing black robe with gold trim, and could summon creatures like nobody else. There were several also people there, such as Haru's good friend, Mordred the Conqueror, a swordsman only matched by Haru, Ritsuko, and Dani. If you're wondering who Dani (or Danika...) is... I ain't tellin' just yet.

Noobs were falling like flies, and Haru was kicking butt. Or tomahawking. And slicing. Or punching. I really don't care which, so long as it's synonymous with the word beating.

“Why did I start this gods-damned war?!” Haru moaned, skewering several noobs with his battleaxe.

“Because you hate noo-GLAAAAAAAARGPTH!” a guy yelled. Haru disarmed him. Literally. ”I hate noobs, that much is true. I hate high levels and the cocky buttnuggets they usually are. But I do not hate low-levels. Dude, there's a difference.”

Haru teamed up with Mishiku, busy gunning things down with his crossbows. The limbs were made of a distinct liquid crimson alloy. “Haru, you sly fox!” Mishiku grinned, shooting a gnomecopter down in just the right way so that it would plow into the armies like a bomb launched from space, taking several aviation machines with it. “These bow be alive! What you do, bio-engineer them?”

“Naw, ol' bud,” Haru replied, cutting through 3 noobs with his axe, and cracking the skull of another with the flat of it. “I simply have access to every level of the Elemental Workshp. I can make specialized elemental weaponry, I can create incredibly light armor with remarkable tensile strength that takes the damage instead of you, but it needs repairs every 20 hours of use. And don't give me all the credit... Dani did much of the work.”

“Ah, Dani...” Mordred said, slicing and cutting through n00bs with his sword, with the kind of speed and strength you only see in Manga. Mordred thought it was a secret to everyone-it wasn't-but he loved her. “Think there'll ever be a cure?”

“Yeah... Where she is, I hope she's all right.... I can be quite dangerous,” Haru was cutting, kicking, and punching through several noobs.

Suddenly, a voice yelled out “I'm fine, you momzer!” Haru and Mordred ignored where it came from. About two seconds after the voice yelled, Haru's left arm jerked involuntarily, grabbed the blued machine pistol on his hip, and shot up 20 n00bs.

“S'all good,” Haru observed.

“Yeah. She's fine. But that doesn't make it any less creepy. You have got to let her out more.”

“Well, why don't I let her?”

As if in response to this, the arm jerked around even more, and shot even more n00bs.

Suddenly there was a cry of “Banzai tree!” and noobs were pelted with Noob Bombs. Everyone looked up to see Ritsuko holding two things that looked like enormous long tubes, the ends shaped like hexagons. She was standing on the cockpit of her enormous “glider”. Haru speculated it was probably a b-17 or b-25 bomber, or possibly a jerry-rigged hybrid, World War 2 era, judging by the fascinating aviation museums he visited on a planet like his world... but not.

Whatever the heck it was, Ritsuko had customized it beyond belief. First, the twin Pralklan-Gorple and Daughter Cosmic Turbines, model 08-569854237905XZ. Asgarnian Highland cockpit control array, standard issue, frequently handed out to the GDG's aviators. Runestone acceleration launcher, which slammed runes together to send out a spell. Only battle spells, however. Reinforced steel propellers, which happened to be bullet-resistant. Trebuchet model A-12 machine cannons from a human colony. And finally, a thoroughly unique weapon, the noob bomb launcher. It looked like an enormous bazooka, except the barrel was shaped like a hexagon. A rack of small spherical objects sat on the end. Only 800 existed in the known universe, 4 on the glider, counting the ones Ritsuko was holding, 1 for Mitchan, one for Mishiku, one for Kawaru, and one for Haru.

“Well,” Haru grinned as the noobs exploded, “I am pret' dang glad we gave her all those parts.” a noob pounced on him. He tomahawked it

“Aw crap,” Kawaru muttered. He pointed. A dragon was flying toward the plane! A figure stood upon it, wearing a snail-shell helmet, an onyx bracelet, leather chaps, and a staff. This was the Baron of Rimmington, level 3, the one that forcibly turned it to an independent province, due to his incredible summoning skills, and an enormous band of followers with pike and rings of life. Worst of all, he was lethally nooby.

”Damn,” Haru muttered, and pressed a button on the small, bluish-silver tube in his jacket. He stamped his foot, and shot up. Kawaru threw a grappling hook onto the dragon and was yanked up into the fresh autumn air.

“Hey Baron von barren mind!” Haru yelled, holding the second and third fingers from his thumb out, placing his thumb in between them. A large sphere of blue and white energy swirled around on it.

“What?!” replied the not-quite threatening figure on the dragon.

“HARUSENGAN!” Haru yelled. The energy smashed into Baron. As any recipient of this painful attack knows, it is incredibly painful. First, it knocks the wind out of you, (for a wind attack, what do you expect?) then it causes an incredibly painful sensation like being burnt alive... from the inside.

“GLAAAAAH!” The Baron yelled. He flew off the dragon as its particles leaked into the Summoning Plane.

The aftermath....

“Thanks Haru,” said Jack Ulbrecht, brown hair, six foot 5, 23, the Misthalin Port Authority's Port Sarim agent. “I've had this guy in my bingo book for a long while. Smuggling rum, a borg mill, and now this! I'll never understand what drives these men, or extremists like my dad!”

“You're no Johannus,” Haru replied solemnly. ”He fills good people with fear and hate, you fill bad people with fear, the law, and lots of pain. “

Port Authority officials were cleaning up the battle, and interrogating the surviving noobs about allied noob baronies, and any government secrets they knew of.

A splash in the surf, and a sense of wrongness that alerted them to something horribly wrong.

Then one of Jack's men yelled out: ”Cap'n Jack! The Body is gone!”

“We are in sheep-dip now if that's what I think it is,” Haru gasped.

“If your thinking its the baron, your assessment is an A+.”

Then a horror emerged from the sea. Jack's men shot it with firestrike pistols. They slowed it down, but it walked toward Haru and Jack.

“Hello mortals,” it rasped. “Remember me?”

Haru didn't at first glance. He didn't remember a creature like that and he wouldn't want to. Its hideous jaundice- skinned skull-like face consisted of hideous bulging veins, small oozing sores, and 2 evil-looking eyes on small stalks. Bloodred veins crossed the tall snail helmet. It was wearing tattered black dragonhide, and its jaundiced skin was a hideous combination of shell and flesh. A large growth, much like a large circular snail shell, sat on its back and went down to its legs a little. Its arms were covered in squirming tentacles, and above growths that might have once been hands, there were enormous pincers. It was like a man dressed up as a crustacean from hell.

Haru was about to remember, but Jack beat him to the punch. ”Baron?!” he yelled.

“That thing is the...” Haru gasped.

“I have a hard time believing it myself, but its true.”

“That is not my name,” the voice rasped. ”I am the Slug Baron. I found this body lying on the beach, along with a primitive giant sea slug. Not only can I take over minds... but I take all the body and leave none for the victim!”

“Damn you,” Haru replied, cutting an enormous gash in the thing's chest.

You've taken my victory away in the past and the future! It rasped. So I'll take something of yours... on orders. From your daddy, Haru.”

It skewered Mishiku with the tentacles, and grabbed Mitchan and Ritsuko.

”You son of a-!” Haru yelled, raising his axe above his head.

But then, before Haru could slash it, it grew hazy and indistinct, and faded from view.

Then it reappeared, and Haru felt a stabbing pain in his right arm. Then nothing. Probably because it was lying on the roof of the general store. Oh well... it's prosthetic, so who cares?

"GODS DAMN YOU VANDRIAD!” he yelled. “I HAVE BEATEN YOU BEFORE, AND I SHALL AGAIN!”

“SH(censored) ON TOAST! WHY?!” Dani yelled, right after him.

Soon after, among Haru and his friends all over the Universe who knew him personally, (it has to be said, that's a lot!) looked up to him as an authority figure, a solemn oath to find Ritsuko was sworn.

A pact was burned onto the backs of all who volunteered to search for her, in their first language. Legend said it would only disappear completely once she was completely free of her captors.