The Ardougnese Assassin

Dancus Frumac was standing at the Northern Gate of Ardougne. His face was a deep maroon in colour. He was obviously frustrated by something. Taking careful watch over him was a Paladin, with long, deep red hair, blowing in the slight breeze. Dancus walked slowly onto the path leading to Town Square. He said, "Everything else in Gielinor is practically out of money, yet Ardougne stays perfectly intact!" Dancus sounded surprised. He walked down to the Flying Horse for a drink. "One milk." Dancus was a teetotaler.

"'Kay mate. That'll be 30 coins," replied the bartender.

"Thirty coins?! I'm practically broke!"

"And I'm practically out of business. 30 coins or bust, mate."

"No way. This is outrageous."

"Come back and it'll be 100 coins!" yelled the bartender as Dancus walked out of the bar. Dancus ignored him. The red haired Paladin followed Dancus, dodging behind columns and walls at any given chance. Dancus was amazingly hungry. When he caught sight of the food stall in Town Square, he almost flew over. On the table was a prices list:

He was surprised not to see anything chocolate on the list. Obviously Dancus forgot that since the economic slump, chocolate had not been available for months. "These prices are outrageous!" he muttered to himself. The owner wasn't around...he grabbed a cake.

"THIEF ALERT! THIEF ALERT!" boomed the voice of the vermilion-haired Paladin that had been following Dancus around. He ran up and grabbed Dancus by the ear and dragged him off to the nearest jail, and knocked him out.

Dancus woke up in a pillory cell in the center of Town Square. He was covered in smelly tomato slop. It was dead midnight. Shaking the slop off, he put his misspent youth to worth forcing the door open. No one was around. Swiftly making it out, he traveled out of the Town Square, making no effort to keep low. He swiped all of the cakes from the stall and quickly darted out of sight behind a building. Dancus scarfed the cakes down in no time at all. Little did he know that one man was watching him...the Paladin! As silly as it may seem, Dancus began walking around the city, knocking on people's doors and asking them if they had seen a Paladin with reddish-tawny hair. "Hello? Yes, have you seen a Paladin with red hair?"

"It's the middle of the night ya bum! Go find some rat pelts to sleep on!"

The reaction from all Ardougnese was virtually the same. Unsuccessful in his efforts, Dancus found an oak tree to sleep in just east of the Town Square. Settling down to take a nap, he quickly fell under on an exceptionally wide limb...

Dancus awoke the next day. He seemed to have had a horrible dream, as if he had seen a huge battle soon in the future. Now fully awake on this beautiful Moeyveng morning, he stretched and yawned and sat up. Unfortunately for him, his racket caused the awakening of another inhabitant of the tree. A half-naked farmer-tanned tramp with red hair jumped down from a higher branch. "AIAIAIAIAIAI!" screamed the tramp as he wildly jumped off of the branch and onto the stomach of Dancus.

"Oof!" clichéd Dancus.

"Wh're y'at, ya scrawny guv?" exclaimed the tramp with a thick Feldip accent.

"I...was sleeping in a tree until you jumped on me you redneck!" angrily replied Dancus.

"Well, this'd be mah tree, so y'all bettah git offah 'ere or I'll hound ya till the cows come home!" hollered the Tramp, "'Sides, wah ain't you fancy folk off innah inn?"

"Their rent, and beer prices, are outrageous!"

"Ah, I see. Y'all be outtah cash wit dah 'hole eeeeeeeeeeconomics thang, ain't ya?"

"Yes."

"Well golly, I'll be. Y'can stey as long as ya wants, fello' tramp!" the tramp stopped brandishing his dagger at Dancus, and smiled, revealing the remnants of teeth, now black mushy piles of biomass, almost like raisins.

"I'm not a tramp, but I'll take you up on your offer. Y'see, my house was repossessed back in Varrock. My name's Dancus. Call me 'Dan' for short."

"Goll-eee! M'name's Jonnythin. Putt'er dere, mate!" Johnathan revealed his hand, which was covered in dirt, bird guanao, dried saliva, and various other atrocities.

"I'd rather not. I've got business to catch up on, Johnathan. I'll met you back here later."

"L'Right than! See yas, Daaaaaaaaaaaaan!" exclaimed Johnathan. Dancus ran as fast as he could to his "business", determined to never go back, only if he absolutely had to.

I followed him. Behind trees, through windows, I followed him wherever I could. That scoundrel who'd wreck King Lathas' plans. Frumac. The name was like poison to the mind. But why was I following him? Oh yeah. Because he knew. He knew and he had to be killed. Or else he would spread word of the king's plan to embezzle all of the gold in the world, bringing Asgarnia and Misthalin to their, respective, knees! That old man was headed southwest, towards the Zoo, seemingly. I'd intercept him. And dispatch him, as well.

I, Dancus, headed southwest, towards the Zoo. Slipping on a quick costume fashioned from stolen silk, I blended in as a clothing connoisseur visiting from Varrock. Though I still smelled of rotten tomatoes. I saw some guam lying on the ground. I picked it up and rubbed it all over myself. The intense scent of guam quickly and effectively destroyed the scent I had acquired from that night in the pillory. I loved monkeys; maybe I could see some at the Zoo. I began to run, motivated by the very thought of monkies!

Frumac took off sprinting towards the Zoo now. He was muttering something..."Monkeys, monkeys, monkeys!" I dripped a few drops of 'Peter Potter's Patented Pure Poison O' Instant Death' on my sword. The grimacingly green liquid slid around on the flat side of the blade. I put on some gloves and added an ingredient of my own. Cadava juice. I crushed a berry above my sword. Its juice mixed with the green poison, curdling and making a wide array of swirling, pretty colors. Pretty, but deadly, of course. I ran off behind him; my lightening boots covering up my sound.

Yay! Monkeys! Oh, how I love monkeys! Oook! Ook ook! Ooo...Everything went black. I felt a sharp pain in my spine. I must be dead, as I'm not seeing anything. My legs went numb, then my arms. I was loosing consciousness, as poison filled my body. I realized I must have been attacked. By the Killer. The Paladin. I felt one last thing before everything went numb. I was thrown into one of the cages. I...I...uuh. I felt something dusty sprinkle onto my forehead. I burst back into life. I had complete control of my body. I was in the unicorn pen. But why? I had been poisoned...unless...unicorn hairs! They must have healing properties. Hmm. I made a mental note of that, and jumped the fence out of the pit. I could see him, the killer of Chinelle! Soon to taste his own medicine. He was chuckling. Not for long. I grabbed his sword, brimming with poison, and thrust it through his neck. He died instantly. His corpse fell to the ground with one last breath. His helmet rolled off, but inside there was...a piece of papyrus? Coated in nearly illegible scrawl, I picked up the note and read it silently:

Unbelievable. King Lathas is doing this! Unspeakable. This word had to get out. I had to tell someone. I heard a group of people to the east, apparently headed by some man named "Tar Kender". I ran over to them, sharing the news. "Hey! Mister Tar Kender!"