Waren00b, Chapter 2: Waren00b Meets His Maker

Chapter 2: Waren00b meets his maker
Waren00b: another chapter!? Give me a break!

Ajkzander29: oh, come on, it’s only the second chapter

Waren00b: AAAhhhh! Who are you? And how do you know about the chapters?

Ajkzander29: ugh, I made you too stupid and forgetful

Waren00b: who are you?

Ajkzander29: I am Alixes, and Alixes Sanders of the Sanders, an origination that doesn’t exist. You may refer to me as Ajkzander29. I am your creator, and have created you to entertain

Waren00b: okay... so who are you and why did you create me

Ajkzander29: I just told you

Waren00b: whatever, I don’t want someone to be with me when I chop wood, so scram

Ajkzander29: I don’t care how much time you swing at that tree, it’s not coming down

Waren00b: we’ll see about that. EAT THE BLADE OF MY BRONZE AXE, TREE! *starts swinging*

(Five hours later...)

Waren00b: ‘gasp’ ‘gasp’ wheeze’ ‘wheeze’ I said, EAT THE BLADE OF MY BRONZE AXE, TREE!

(Five more hours later...)

Waren00b: ‘wheeze’ ‘wheeze ‘WHEEZE’ I said taste the blade of my bronze axxxx- *swings slowly* yeah, I’m doing it...

Ajkzander29: that’s it, keep on going

(Mysterious old man teleport in front of Waren00b)

MOM: here Waren00b, its all yours *gives him cube*

Waren00b: What was that ‘wheeze’

Ajkzander29: that, was the Mysterious Old Man, he’s one of those random event

Waren00b: RANDOM! Oh, I LOVE complete randomness!

Ajkzander29: no, that’s not what I meant-

Waren00b: Like this: I like apple pie, cheese owns all, bite help, w00t.

Ajkzander29: ‘sigh’

Waren00b: heads shoulders, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes!

Ajkzander29: I really wish he wasn’t so... stupid

Player: I can help

Ajkzander29: who are you?

Alliman5: I am Alli and Alli Mans of the Mans, an organization that doesn’t exist. I can help Waren00b become smarter

Ajkzander29: okay... but don’t make him too smart, just smart enough to not be... a complete moron

Alliman5: that I can do. When do you want him to be “cured”

Waren00b: I like to eat, eat, eat, apples and bananas, I like to eat, eat, eat, apples and bananas

Ajkzander29: pretty soon

Alliman5: good, now send him to me for a while and I’ll se what I can do, for only 345 gold coins

Ajkzander29: that sounds great, except make it 25 gold coins

Alliman5: 20 COINS! I just can’t teach a noob on such a miniscule-

Ajkzander29: 15

Alliman5: WTF!? 15 is lower than 25! In a bargain-

Ajkzander29:5

Alliman5: 5, that’s ok

Ajkzander29: okay, Waren00b, it’s time to go to you’re appointment

Waren00b: O loke toe oat, oat, oat opples ond bononos, whot, o hove on oppointment? Botter go thon

Alliman5: I’ll do what I can, and I’ll make sure he becomes smarter, and is still a noob

Ajkzander29: he better be or POW!

Alliman5: ‘gulp’

“TO BE CONTINUED!!!”

Waren00b meets his maker Part 2

(Alliman5 takes Waren00b to lumby)

Alliman5: okay, Waren00b, do you know where we are

Waren00b: uhh... Czechoslovakia?

Alliman5: no, we are not there, guess again

Waren00b: Greenland

Alliman5: ‘no, guess again

Alliman5: uhhh... Uruguay? Canada? Australia? Austria? South Park? The Holocaust? Candy land?

Alliman5: ‘sigh’

Waren00b: cyberspace?

Alliman5: LUMBRIGE! FOR SARADOMIN’S SAKE, WE ARE IN LUMBRIDGE

Waren00b: Utopia? Holland

Alliman5: we seriously need to do more work

Waren00b: ‘groan’

Alliman5: now, now Waren00b, a little work won’t hurt

Waren00b: yes it will! Just mentioning it agonizes me

Alliman5: look, do you want to be smarter

Waren00b: I don’t really care

Alliman5: well good, ‘cause I’m getting paid for this so become smarter or else!

Waren00b: or else what?

Alliman5: or else I’ll rip out your backbone, poke your eyes out, and put your spine in your eye sockets, one vertebrae at a time, ahhh, reminds me of mother used to do to me.

Waren00b: well it reminds me of Pilates. Hey, where am I?

Alliman5: Ugh! Repeat after me; we are in lumbridge

Waren00b: we are in lumbridge

Alliman5: we are in lumbridge

Waren00b: we are in lumbridge

Allimman5: good, now where are we?

Waren00b: good, now where are we?

Alliman5: um, you’re supposed to say lumbridge

Waren00b: um, you’re supposed to say lumbridge

Alliman5: you can stop copying me now.

Waren00b: you can stop copying me now.

Alliman5: STOP COPYING ME!

Waren00b: STOP COPYING ME!

Alliman5: I MEAN IT!

Waren00b: I MEAN IT!

Alliman5: GAH! (goes crazy and babbles like an idiot)

Waren00b: GAH! Oh, your playing that game! I love that game! *starts babbling like... well himself*

Gwoobu: that looks like a fun game, I wish I could play

Warenn00b: who says you cant? ‘babble’ It’s a f2p game

Gwoobu: well, I guess the more the merrier ‘babble’

Alliman5, Waren00b, and Gwoobu: *babble like an idiot*

Narrator: um, I guess you can close the curtain right now... meanwhile *babbles like an idiot*

‘TO BE CONTINUED!!!’

Waren00b meets his maker Part 3

(After a long time of playing babbles, Alliman5 takes Waren00b to the heart of Draynor.)

Alliman5: okay, that lesson didn’t work to well, but we can work more on that later. Meanwhile, we can work on greeting people

Waren00b: where are we?

Alliman5: uh no not again...

Waren00b: I know, we’re in Brazil!

Alliman5: ummm... that’s right, we ARE in Brazil, but now we are learning how to greet people, now talk to someone

(Waren00b walks up to player)

Waren00b: hi!

Player#1: ummm... hello

Waren00b: GIVE ME FREE STUFF! GIVE ME FREE STUFF! GIVE ME FREE STUFF! GIVE ME FREE STUFF! GIVE ME FREE STUFF! GIVE ME FREE STUFF! GIVE ME FREE STUFF! GIVE ME FREE STUFF! GIVE ME FREE STUFF! GIVE ME FREE STUFF! GIVE ME FREE STUFF!

Player#1: (gives another player a steel longsword) kill me.

Waren00b: how come whenever I go up to someone, they destroy themselves?

Alliman5: that’s because that’s not how you’re supposed to greet them

Waren0b: okay, then teach me

Alliman5: Wow, your willing to learn!

Waren00b: at least it’s better than Pilates

Alliman5: okay, when you go up to a person, you don’t just beg for free stuff

Waren00b: I wasn’t begging, I was demanding

Alliman5: well, that makes it worse

Waren00b: then how am I supposed to get free stuff?

Alliman5: the point of the game is to get stuff by yourself, not hideously beg players for it

Waren00b: demand

Alliman5: hideously demand

Waren00b: well, then what’s the trade button for?

Alliman5: it’s when you ask the person nicely for something, and you have something to give them in return

Waren00b: you mean like a wooden shield?

Alliman5: err, I don’t think people exactly want a wooden shield

Waren00b: that hotfire guy wanted it

Hotfire3222: no, I didn’t

Waren00b: well, anyway, I’ll be polite then

Alliman5: just don’t overreact it okay

Waren00b: What? I cant here you! *Goes up to player*

Waren00b: hi, how are you?

Player#2: ummm... fine...

Waren00b: you’re welcome. I’m a poor noob who can’t afford stuff and has to beg for them for free, so will you, kind person, please give me free stuff

Player#2: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, you’re cute... here have a cookie

(Player#2 gives Waren00b a cookie)

Waren00b: thanks, miss

Player#2: I’M A BOY!

Waren00b: sorry... madam

(Alliman5 is seen banging his head against a pole)

Waren00b: see, I was polite as you said, and got a cookie! *eats cookie* ‘munchjagrubagrab’ the sweet taste of victory

Alliman5: okay, there’s not point in trading IF YOU DON’T HAVE ANYTHING TO TRADE!

Waren00b: so is that a yes?

Alliman5: okay, forget all the trade junk, just go greet someone

Waren00b: Okay

(Waren00b goes up to happy ooh)

Waren00b: hi!

Happy ooh: um... hi

Waren00b: wanna hear my theme song?

Happy ooh: uhhh, sure

Alliman5: uh oh *clogs ears*

Waren00b: the waren00b theme song by Waren00b

(Song sung to the tune of whatever tune you want it to be sung in)

OH, I AM WAREN00B

I AM A REALLY BIG NOOB

I AM SUCH A BIG NOOB THAT I LIKE PIE

OTHER FOODS ARE GREAT BUT APPLE PIE IS THE BESTEST

BUT I DON’T REALLY CARE!

I LOVE TO BEG FOR FREE STUFF AND GET THEM LATER

AND YOU WILL GIVE THEM TO ME OR SO YOU PACK IN!

AND I’LL ALWAYS BE AN IDIOTIC NOOB

IT DOESN’T MATTER IF I’M A LEVEL ONE LIKE NOW

OR A LEVEL TWELVE ZILLION, WHICH WILL BE LIKE IN A LONG WHILE

NOW, YOU MAY THINK THIS SONG IS DUMB

I MEAN, IT DOESN’T EVEN RHYME

PROBABLY BECAUSE IT I AM MAKING THIS UP RIGHT NOW

BUT THAT ISN’T MY POINT

MY POINT IS THAT I AM A NOOB WHO IS STUPID

AND ANNOYING

AND RUDE

AND IMMATURE

AND PITIFUL

AND LIKES PIE SO MUCH I WOULD SING THIS SONG OVER AND OVER AGAIN FOR IT!

YEAH! ARE YOU STILL LISTENING I HAVE MORE!

AND UMMM... THAT’S ALL FOLKS! PIE!

Happy ooh: EEK! (melts into a puddle, and her stomach acids start eating through the ground leaving a hole)

Waren00b: so, how did I do?

Alliman5: Grrrrrrrrrr

Waren00b: is this another game?

(Alliman5: AAARG! *Jumps on Waren00b, pokes his eyes out, rips his backbone out, and puts Waren00b’s spine in his empty eye sockets, one vertebra at a time*

Waren00b: INHALE! EXHALE! INHALE! EXHALE!

“TO BE CONTINUED!!!”

Waren00b meets his maker Part 4

(Waren00b gets his body parts back in place)

Alliman5: now all that attacking you reminded me of something to teach you; combat!

Waren00b: but I’m only level one! I can’t train yet

Alliman5: you’re level four, doofus

Waren00b: Well then, I need to change the lyrics to my song:

OH, I AM WAREN00B

I AM A REALLY BIG NOOB

I AM SUCH A BIG NOOB THAT I LIKE-

Alliman5: YOU CAN SING YOUR SONG LATER; now, we’re going to talk about combat!

Waren00b: ha-ha, I made you say combat! Ha-ha, WHOA!

(Waren00b trips and falls in happy ooh’s gastric juice-hole)

Waren00b: Hee, hee, being dissolved by chyme tickles.

Alliman5: Waren00b, GET OUT OF THERE!

Waren00b: But in here, I fell FREE!

(Alliman5 pulls Waren00b from the bile pool)

Waren00b: hey what was that for?

(Waren00b dies and respawns in lumbridge)

Waren00b: huh, what happened? And why am I in Holland again?

Alliman5: a guard killed you

Waren00b: how?

Alliman5: well first, the stomach acids already took off half your life off, then there’s the fact that the guard’s level is 6.5 times more than yours

Waren00b: but how did you come here so quickly?

Alliman5: lumbridge home teleport

Waren00b: you mean Holland home teleport.

Alliman5: yeah sure whatever

Waren00b: but how come I didn’t feel anything?

Alliman5: your auto retaliate was off

Waren00b: oh yeah? *pushes sword bracelet and turns the auto retaliate on* we’ll see about that! *takes out bronze sword*

Alliman5: Waren00b, don’t do it!

Waren00b: I can do whatever I want!

(Waren00b marches to draynor village)

Waren00b: are you the guard who killed me?

Lvl 26 guard: yes, are you here for a second death?

Waren00b: No, I’m here for VENGEANCE! *stabs guard with the sword and hits a 0* What! If I stab someone, they should die!

Lvl 26 guard: welcome to the pixel world

(Guard kills Waren00b and sends him respawning back to lumby again)

Waren00b: Holland again? Well, time to do a different procedure *takes out cattle whistle*

(Waren00b goes back to Draynor)

Lvl 26 guard: okay, are you trying to get killed by me for a tradition?

Waren00b: no, my Brazilian foe, you shall feel the wrath of my cow! *blows whistle*

(Moo cow of doom shows up)

Waren00b: Mcod, this is a guard, a guard, this is mcod

Mcod: Has this a guard been causing trouble for you?

Waren00b: As a matter of fact, yes

Mcod: ‘snort’ ‘snort’ ‘grunt’ grunt’ *gets ready to charge*

Lvl 26 guard: err, nice bovine...

(Mcod jumps on the a guard and tramples him to death)

Waren00b: YES! Victory is MINE!

Alliman5: ‘sigh’ I need to rest *logs off*

Waren00b: hey how did you do that?

Alliman5: *logs back in* do what?

Waren00b: that disappearing thing!

Alliman5: oh, I logged off

Waren00b: how do you do that?

Alliman5: you just push your log off button

Waren00b: and where’s that?

Alliman5: it’s in your undergarments

(Waren00b pulls down his pants)

Waren00b: well what do you know? It’s right there!

Alliman5: okay, now to log off you push your log off button *logs off and back on again* and then you log back on

Waren00b: okay! *logs off*

Alliman5: okay now log back on... oh right, I forgot to tell him how...

“TO BE CONTINUED!!!”

Waren00b meets his maker part 5

(Waren00b has just logged out and is now in, logout land)

Waren00b: huh, where am I?

Narrator: YOU ARE IN LOGOUT LAND!

Waren00b: ow, do you have to scream!

Narrator: WELL IN LOGOUT LAND, SOUNDS LOUDER

Waren00b: then why is my voice normal

Narrator: I DON’T KNOW. HERE IN LOGOUT LAND THINGS SEEM DIFFERENTLY

Waren00b: well could you help me get back to login land, so I can, you know, annoy players

Narrator: WHAT? I CAN’T DO THAT! IT’S MY DUTY TO STOP STUPID NOOBS LIKE YOU FROM REENTERING THE RUNESCAPE WORLD

Waren00b: do I have to sing my theme song?

Narrator: GAH! ALRIGHT ALREADY, I’LL TELL YOU HOW TO GET BACK IN THE GAME!

Waren00b: so how do I do that?

Narrator: WELL, FIRST YOU PRESS THE BUTTON THE RIGHT

(Waren00b pushes the button on the right)

Narrator: GOOD, NOW ENTER YOUR USERNAME IN THE USERNAME PLACE

Waren00b: What’s my username?

Narrator: IT’S YOUR NAME, DUMMY

Waren00b: call me dummy, eh?

Narrator: LOOK, JUST DO IT

Waren00b: my name.. my name... what is my name... oh, right, Waren00b! now how do I spell it... *starts printing his name* Double-yoo Ae, Are, Ee, En, Zero, Zero, Bee. Waren00b.

Narrator: GOOD, NOW ENTER YOUR PASS

Waren00b: What’s my pass?

Narrator: IT’S YOUR USERNAME SPELLED BACKWARDS

(Waren00b types in his pass)

Narrator: GOOD, NOW PRESS THE ENTER BUTTON

Waren00b: now which one’s the enter button... C-A-N-C-E-L that spells enter

(Waren00b presses the cancel button)

Waren00b: okay, now what?

Narrator: THIS IS GOING TO BE A LONG LECTURE...

(meanwhile, in login land)

Alliman5: oh crud, oh crud, Ajkzander29 is so going to destroy me, and you’d thought I’d be used to it after all those things mother did to me *shudders*

(Waren00b finally logs in after a long lecture)

Waren00b: I’m back!

Alliman5: Oh, thank Saradomin.

Waren00b: Guess what, I got this bronze dagger for only 9999999999999mil! Can you believe it?!

Alliman5: Since when did you have 9999999999999mil?

Waren00b: since erm...

Alliman5: and where is this bronze dagger?

Waren00b: It’s at the ummm, cleaners.

Alliman5: That never happened, did it?

Waren00b: well, erm, no...

Alliman5: Waren00b, if you want to play in this game, you have to be honest

Waren00b: What, I wasn’t lying! This was make believe... it was an excerpt from my story

Alliman5: Story eh, lets here it

Waren00b: okay here it goes; once upon a time there was a smart, handsome, kind, generous, intelligent, funny, skilled, loveable, tolerant noob named Waren00b...

Alliman5: Why do I do this to myself?

(A few hours later...)

Waren00b: ... so then Waren00b saved the world and everybody lived happily ever after, except the jerks because they don’t count. The end.

Alliman5: that is the most STUPID, ANNOYING, TERRIBLE, PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A STORY THAT EVER REACHED MY COCHLEA

Waren00b: well, I’m a stupid, annoying, terrible, pathetic excuse for an author

Alliman5: that’s more than I need to hear

Waren00b: #34r W#a7?

Alliman5: what are you doing?

Waren00b: $|>eak1n9 i/\/ 1337

Alliman5: Why?

Waren00b: \/\/3ll /\/\@yb3 i7’s b3c@u$3 I c4n’7 $70|>! @@@r9 @11im@n5, #e!|> /\/\3!

Alliman5: ‘sigh’ Could this day get any worse?

(A bird flies over Alliman5 and poops on him)

Alliman5: I spoke too soon

“TO BE CONTINUED!!!”