Epic Scape

Epic Scape was a comedy created by The evil dude, started in 2006 on the official RuneScape Forums. It's aim was to totally make fun of RuneScape, mainly quests and minigames. Many players were made permanent guest stars, and it's success finally died in 2007 when The evil dude quit RuneScape.

Message from The evil dude: Back in the day, I saved every chapter on Microsoft Word and have forgotten about it since. Now I've rediscovered it while cleaning out my harddrive, I'm putting it here. Oh, and I've only edited it slightly.

Barbarian Insult
The wind is changing. Great powers have shifted, but towards what? Yeah well, a compass tells me to go to the Barbarian Assault caves. An epic battle is dawning. A battle of vocals and judges.

"Never gonna give you up! Never gonna let you down!" screeched a terrible barbarian. His voice shattered all the windows and caused hearing damage to those in the room. There was a panel of judges, each covering their earholes and looking appalled.

"Well, that was....shattering. Lets see what our judges have to say. Penance Ranger?" the commentator asked, breaking the silence.

"BOO!"

"Penance Runner?"

"I choked on my own vomit!"

"Penance Fighter?"

"I wish I was dead"

"Penance Healer?"

"Pardon me m'am!"

"and finally, Penance Queen?"

"Totally disgraceful. Rubbish, the whole world could have exploded because of your terribleness! I can think of many offensive words for poo, and I wish I wouldn't be censored when I say them! Get out of my cavern, you will never be in show business!"

The barbarian started crying. "Bob the Barbarian is out of the contest! I feel sorry for you Bob."

Bob pulled the dispenser and a strange note come out. It read come to Entrana for the trip of your lifetime. Bob hid the note in his pocket. On his way out, he was insulted even more.

"You are so ugly you could crack a mirror by looking at it! And you are as skinny as a twig, and you don't deserve to wear no shirt like other Barbarians!"

Bob threw a sword at the queen's eye, impaling it and ran as fast as he could. He found himself outside the outpost.

"One way ticket to Entrana on my roflcopter!" a strange man nearby said

"Roflcopter? What's that?" Bob responded.

"That's right, you didn't hear roflcopter! If you did, I would destroy the time space continuum with my knowledge of old Internet fads! Anyway, I have a new invention that will revolutionize RuneScape!"

"Don't you mean Gielinor?"

"In case you didn't know, there is a company called Gielinor who used the umbrella name Woolworths to sell their wares. Unfortunately, they were run into the ground by the Tesco Empire, but the remnants still bear that name, and could sue use if we use that name!"

"What? Gielinor?"

Suddenly, a dark shape pounced from the shadows and the creature hissed. The creature, known as "Gielinor's lawyer" whacked the pilot with his suitcase and screeched its warcry "Sue!". While the pilot was getting papercuts from the wave of paperwork the lawyer had summoned, Bob jumped on his invention. It was just a log.

"This would truly revolutionize the world! I'd better patent it when I get to Entrana!" Bob chuckled evilly, as he rode off into the sunset.

Tower of Knife
There is a new tower of mystical power being constructed south of Ardougne (the place where no one can pronounce its name properly). Stabby is heading towards the half built tower in search for the ultimate pie of power. Then, he was approached by an alchemist.

"Will you help us build our magic tower?" the alchemist said.

Stabby looked and replied "Meh, why not. Why is it shaped like a knife?"

"Because we will breed an army of genetically engineered knives to take over the world! by the way, I'm Effigy"

"Effigy? What kind of name is that? Effigy! What a stupid name! Who would wanna have a name like that? Effigy! Sounds like eggy! Your mum must'a hated you!" Stabby jibed.

Effigy just looked blankly, then tears trickled down his cheeks. Then he started sobbing and ran away like a little girl. Stabby shrugged and smashed the door down. The door flattened all the builders, who were putting small knives on the door. Stabby climbed up the stairs, and onto the top floor. He saw two wizards summoning the ugliest thing ever. Then the wizards fell out of the windows, as the creature looked at them. Stabby freed the ugly beast.

"I'm a Hum Uncleus. That's not how you spell my name, but if I spelt it properly it would get censored. Anyway, meet me at the basement"

"What kind of name is Hum Uncleus! And why are you so fat and ugly!"

"Do you always say that to people you meet?"

"Uh, yeah. It's part of my ego-"

The creature vanished, and Stabby went into the basement, where he saw the Hum Uncleus form from the shadows, only he was holding lots of knives.

"Go tap that button which says create army of knives"

Stabby did as it commanded and the tower shook. The ceiling collapsed, and a shower of knives came through.

"Fool! I'm not really Hum Uncleus, I am the TOMONCULUS! Fear my wrath!"

Stabby ducked under a table, but Tomonculus took no cover, as he foolishly laughed stereotypically evil. He was stabbed so much Tomonculus was like a ball of knives. Stabby spat on the ugly monster and noticed a note on a knife. Go to Entrana, and may the forks be with you the note read. Stabby started his way to Entrana, as his adventure is about to begin.

Gold War
An iceberg floats in the sea, practically useless. That is why the penguins chose it to be their base. But a strange zoo keeper and a guy named Slashy may change that.

"Duh... I don't see no pengy wins" Slashy stupidly said.

"Duh....they are usually here....those pengy wins...duh" Larry replied.

"Duh...whats this hole? I should go down it"

Both Slashy and Larry fell down the hole. They were in the penguin base, where they were building an army and a giant penguin. The penguin king didn't look pleased to see them.

"Intruder alert!" sounded the alarm, and Destroyer Penguins came in a flash. They rolled to the scene and their knuckle dusters unfurled.

"Yo foo! Yo think yo can come into ma gangsta crib!" said the gangsta penguin king. "Yo make hole in ma roof! Yo disrespect my G status and gangsta hood!"

Then, the army advanced. Then, some bad rap music came on and the penguins started rapping and break dancing.

"Yo, we are da penguin hood! We will crush your puny human race! CUZ we are da hood innit! Take it away grime MC Ping and Pong!"

The two grime MCs penguins came, covered in bling and chav attire, as well as some bongos and a cowbell. They made a random noise which sounded terrible. More penguins came and started break dancing. Suddenly, the lights disappeared, and the penguin king ordered the penguin troopers to kill Slashy and Larry.

"Duh, whats this button do?" Slashy pressed the button. The iceberg started sinking!

"Yo lil' infidels! I swear by da name of 50 Cent, we will mash you up bluds!" The king screamed, as he ran off. The other penguins evacuated in escape pods. Larry fell into the freezing water and turned into an ice cube. Slashy found a note in Larry's mouth. Larry obviously tried to chew it. It read Go to Entrana and you will be no longer stupid.

Slashy left in his inflatable duck, as the iceberg split into two halves and sunk swiftly.

Pest Control
Two great enemies, Mrshamelo and Mrhalo are battling it out while the alien pests are killing the annoid knights. They aren't pleased that their champions are fighting over the last slice of pizza.

"GRRRR! We are so annoid we are called annoid knights! And we can't even spell annoid! Toothpix doesn't like it when aliens invade! It makes me angry!" shouted the annoid knight.

Mrhalo and his enemy are not even listening. That was when Mrshamelo got stabbed in the eye.

"My eye! How could you stab my eye!" he cried, as he stumbled into the water. He was then eaten by a big shark.

"Ha ha!" shouted Mrhalo. The pests surrounded the annoid knight and Mrlo. They were trapped. Mrhalo whispered into the knight's ears. They had a plan. Two microphones appeared.

"If you invade Gielinor-"

"SUE!" screeched a lawyer, its red eyes gleaming from the shadows.

"I mean RuneScape, you will not be able cash in your vouchers for a free Xbox 360 when you sign up for Virgin Media broadband! So, what will it be? Xbox or no Xbox?"

The aliens muttered for a few minutes, and after that they drew their vouchers.

"Right this way then" the knight smiled, as he led them all to a large warehouse on the island. Soon after, there were millions of alien screams and laughing knights.

Suddenly, the warehouse exploded and half the island went under. Mrhalo, not wanting to stick around, grabbed a boat and sailed off.

But what had really happened in the warehouse? The knights had lied, and it was PS3s instead. The minds of the aliens were overwhelmed with the word scum, and ultimately exploded. Boy, this comedy has it for explosions.